Anderson Cooper… Jon Rudnitsky
Martin O’Malley… Taran Killam
Lincoln Chafee… Kyle Mooney
Jim Webb… Alec Baldwin
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Bernie Sanders… Larry David
[Starts with Democratic Presidential Debate intro]
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Good evening and welcome to the first Democratic debate of the 2016 campaign. I’m your moderator Anderson Cooper and I hope I do you proud tonight, Kathy Griffin. Let’s meet the candidates. First up, former governor of Maryland, Martin O’Malley.
[Cut to Martin O’Malley walking to his podium]
Martin O’Malley: Hello. I’m Martin O’Malley. This is what my voice sounds like. This is what my face looks like. When I was bear of Baltimore, I did such a good job they made two TV shows about my city, Homicide and The Wire.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Former Road Island governor, Lincoln Chafee.
[Cut to Lincoln Chafee walking to his podium]
Lincoln Chafee: Hey, everyone. I’m Lincoln Chafee. I used to be senator. That was fun. And now I’m here. This is fun too.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Former US senator, Jim Webb.
[Cut to Jim Webb walking to his podium]
Jim Webb: Hello. I’m Jim Webb and it’s about damn time I get to talk. What has it been? A thousand years? Here’s the deal. I fought in Vietnam. And I’m not gonna brag about how much ass I kicked but let’s just say I kicked every single ass.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Now that we’ve met those people, let’s bring out the real candidates. Former secretary of state, Hillary Clinton.
[Cut to Hillary Clinton walking to her podium]
Hillary Clinton: Hello. Hello. Thank you for having me. I think you’re really gonna like the Hillary Clinton that my team and I have created for this debate. She’s warm but strong. Flawed, yet perfect. Relaxed but racing full speed toward the White House like the T1000 from Terminator.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: And from the state of Vermont, senator Bernie Sanders.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders walking to his podium]
Bernie Sanders: Yeah, yeah! Hello, hello. Enough with the hellos. Let’s do this.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Senator Sanders, how are you?
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: I’m good. I’m hungry but I’m good. And now, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna dialect right up to 10.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Go right ahead.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: We’re doomed. We need a revolution. Millions of people on the streets. And we got to do something. And we got to do it now. Ah!
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Bernie, pace yourself. Now, before we begin, we at CNN wanna say quick word to vice president Joe Biden. Joe, if you decide to run at any time tonight, we will happily make room for you on the stage. No press, but we’d love to have you. Wouldn’t we, candidates?
[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Uh-huh!
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Okay. Let’s get started. This first question is for everyone. Senator Sanders, some of your opponents believe regulating Wall Street is enough. What is your position on the big banks?
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: Ah! Not a fan of the banks. They trap a lot in the middle class, they control Washington and why do they chain all that that pens to the desks? Who’s trying to steal a pen from a bank? It makes no sense. That’s why we gotta break up the banks into little pieces and then flush the pieces down the toilet so you can never put the banks back together. Then you just make the bankers pay for college for everyone. And America’s fixed! Ay!
[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: America, allow me to pop an ice cube in that scalding hot soup he just served you. We do need to fix things Bernie, but you’re promising everyone a golden goose. And there is no golden goose. [Cut to Hillary Clinton] So, America, follow me coz I got some chicken that will do.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: I can find the goose. I found geese before and I can find them again. They congregate near ponds. It’s not rocket science.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Wait a minute, do you all like this? I’m not losing, am I? I mean in 2008, of course I lost. I was running against a cool black guy. But this year, I thought I got to be the cool black guy.
[Cut to Jim Webb]
Jim Webb: Excuse me, it’s me Jim Webb, your future president. I was promised I’d get time but I’ve had no time. Where is my time? Come on Anderson, lobe one at me. Give Jimmy W a shot and watch him sore.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Okay, senator. Sure. Here is a question. You’re the only democrat up here with an A-rating from the NRA. Wanna tell us why?
[Cut to Jim Webb]
Jim Webb: Pass!
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Okay, our next question is for governor O’Malley.
[Cut to Martin O’Malley. He was not ready.]
Martin O’Malley: Really?
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: No. It’s for Hillary. Senator Clinton, you’re struggled to put your scandal behind you.
[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: [interrupting] Ah! Sorry, just clearing my throat. Go on.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: What does the email scandals say about your ability to handle other crisis as president?
[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Well, I welcome this question because I rehearsed this one the longest.
[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: [interrupting] You know what? Can I just jump in here? This may not be great politics, but I think the American people are sick and tired of hearig about your damn emails.
Hillary Clinton: [laughing] Thank you.
[Hillary Clinton shakes her hand with Bernie Sanders]
Thank you, Bernie. Got, it must be fun to scream and cuss in public. I have to do all mine in tiny little jars.
Bernie Sanders: Hey, what’s the deal with emails anyway? [Cut to Bernie Sanders] I forgot my password the other day. So, they say we’ll email you a new one. But I can’t get in to my email to get the password. I mean, talk about a ball buster.
[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]
Lincoln Chafee: Excuse me, Anderson. Not to be a little stinker, but I think the emails are a big deal. We need good ethics in the White House.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Secretary Clinton, do you want to respond?
[Cut to Hillary Clinton. She is smoking a cigarette.]
Hillary Clinton: No.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Okay, then. Next question, how would you each differentiate yourself from the Obama Administration?
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: For me, I’m an outsider Anderson. I’m the only candidate up here who is not a billionaire. I don’t have super pack. I don’t even have a back-pack. I carry my stuff around loose in my arms like a professor, you know, between classes. I own one pair of underwear. That’s it! Some of these billionaires, three-four pairs. And I don’t have a drawer. I have to put my clothes on the radiator. So, who do you want as president? One of these Washington insiders? Or guy who has one pair, a clean underwear that he dries on a radiator? BernieSanders.com, check it out. It’s a mess.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: Listen my teens and my twenty-somethings, I get it. He’s cool. He’s the song of the summer. He’s Trap Queen by Fetty Wap.
[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
But I’m the birthday song, guys, and you’re gonna be singing me until the day you die.
[Cut to Jim Webb]
Jim Webb: Excuse me. President Webb here. Where is my time? I know I’ve got this in the bag but I need some more time. So, come on Andy. Hit me with a question right between the eyes, direct shot right here.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Okay, senator, here’s a question. You once said that affirmitive action is racist against whites. Explain.
[Cut to Jim Webb]
Jim Webb: Pass.
[Cut to Anderson]
Anderson: Okay, it’s now time for one final statement from each of the candidates. We’ll begin with governor O’Malley.
[Cut to Martin O’Malley]
Martin O’Malley: America, let me just say this. I may not have been much to listen to tonight… [stops]
Oh, sorry. That’s all. You can cut away.
[Cut to Lincoln Chafee]
Lincoln Chafee: Oh, boy, what a debate. And to think the center of it all was me. Lincoln Dabbin Poor Chafee. Well, good night America. Bye forever.
[Cut to Jim Webb]
Jim Webb: America, I didn’t have enough time but I still crushed it. See you in the White House. President Webb out.
[Cut to Hillary Clinton]
Hillary Clinton: This debate has been a blast. But let me leave you with one sobering thought. If you get into bed with Bernie Sanders tonight, you’re gonna wake up with President Trump tomorrow. So instead, get into bed with me, Hillary Clinton. You can be the big spoon and I’ll be downstairs hard at work.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders]
Bernie Sanders: You know what I don’t understand, America? These podiums. What are you supposed to do with your elbows. Rest them on top? They too short! Anyway, I’m Bernie Sanders and come next November, I will be Hillary Clinton’s vice president.
[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Hillary Clinton is smiling and clapping.]
How cool is that?
[Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders hug]
Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.
