Dolce & Gabbana


Brecky… Venessa Bayer

Cecily Strong

Don Juan… Chris Hemsworth

[Starts with Brecky in her set of the commercial] [slow music playing]

Brecky: Marvelous.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Magnificance.

[Cut to Brecky]

Brecky: Ramjor.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Spectacu-lable.

[Cut to Brecky and Cecily]

Brecky and Cecily: The impossi-ves. [The subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Dolki and Gababa.

Cecily: All this attractiveness of a debolutating fragrace.

Brecky: You’re gonna feel like a $7.

Brecky and Cecily: With Dolki and Gababa.

Brecky: Hi, we aren’t porn stars anymore. I am Brecky.

Cecily: And I’m supposed to be dead.

Brecky and Cecily: Shhh!

Brecky: And we’re not porn stars anymore. But that doesn’t mean we can’t smell a great deal when we snort it off of mirror.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: No, no, no. Please go.

Don Juan: Nope?

[Don Juan leaves]

Brecky: Other perfumes are just for breeze and fancy jars. Adios sea ghost!

Cecily: I rimmed a donkey.

Brecky: Dolki Gababa is like obsession by Kevin Klein. But you can drink it. And it’s perfect for occasions like, disappearance.

Cecily: Old person.

Brecky: Mistress at funeral.

Cecily: House warming porno.

Brecky: And, disease free for now.

Cecily: I’ll guarantee it, you’ll feel like you’re as wealthy as the salt in brown eye.

Brecky: You’ll think you’re one of the royals like Kate Middleton. Plus, it’s got– what’s that thing when you press it and it sprays out?

Cecily: Prostate.

Brecky: No. It holds all the liquid.

Cecily: Mouth.

Brecky: Bottle.

Cecily: Oh, right. Bottle.

[Don Juan comes in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Not yet. Please go.

[Don Juan leaves]

With Dolki Gababa.

Cecily: One time, I got banged back in time. And a cave man banged me back to the future. I was like, “I guess I can save 15% more. Thanks, lizard.

Brecky: One time, I thought I banged Julius Caesar, but it was actually little Ceasars. Pizza, pizza!

Cecily: One time, I got banged to the kite on top of a building during lightning storm. I was like, “Hey, you’re not bumping them. Okay.”

[Don Juan passes by in a scooter]

Don Juan: Did someone say, “What’s that smell?”

Brecky and Cecily: Where did he go?

[Don Juan comes in]

Cecily: Come in.

Don Juan: Hey there. I’m Don Juan Dar Dark Hole. Now, I’m American but after my manhood was torn off in a recumbent bicycle, they had to replace it with wiener from a Spanish dude. But relax, he was already dead. Now, I speak English but my downstairs neighbor, he speaks ‘I-blow-a-espanol’. So get this, I can do bilingual pornos such as Spanklish, Penis Labyrinth, Pricky Christina Bone-Alone-A, and Y Tu Mama Y Tu Papa Y tu circus clown Amigo Tambien.

Cecily: Tell em’ about the price.

Brecky: Yes.

Don Juan: Oh, right, right. Yeah. So, trust me, having some none original parts down there, I know about the importance of hygiene. And that’s why I reach for [subtitle reads Dolce&Gabbana] Douche and Go-banana. It’s like a senate candle for your sweaty mandle. Or an oat eater for your special little Peter.

Cecily: No, no, no, no.

Brecky: Stop it.

Don Juan: So, grab some Douche and Go-bananas today. So, when your special someone asks, “Hey, what’s that smell?” you can tell them.

Brecky and Cecily: It’s something dying in me.

Brecky, Don Juan and Cecily: Dolki Gababa.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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