Easter Candy


Michael Keaton

Portia… Kate McKinnon

Jordan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an Easter basket and a rabbit] [Cut to Michael inside a house]

Michael: Oh, hi. [Michael pulls out an Easter basket] Well, it’s that time again, everybody. It’s Easter. Let’s see what’s in our Easter basket. Hmm… This… this is an Easter egg guys. I think it’s eggs. This… [Michael gets a stuffed rabbit] this is a blush bunny rabbit. I call him Glenny, after Glenn Close. Yesterday was good Friday. But this… [Michael shows a DVD of the TV show ‘Friday’] this is the best Friday. [Michael looks away] Hey, Portia, how’s it going over there?

[Cut to Michael and Portia. Portia is wearing bunny ears on her.]

Portia: Good.

Michael: What… what are you doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: I’m hiding eggs. [Portia takes an egg from the bucket and hits it on the wall.] [Cut to Michael]

Michael: [giggling] How cute is she? The answer is, “Kind of.” And for our Jewish friends, [Michael gets a bread] this is unleavened bread. Which means, unlike Jesus, it doesn’t rise. Jesus one, bread nothing. [Michael throws away the bread.]

Oh, look here. [Michael gets the chocolate egg] This is a Cadbury egg. I gave these up for Lance last year. You know what they gave up this year? Cocaine… Almost.

Hey, Portia, what have you got over there?

[Cut to Portia holding a chick]

Portia: A child chicken.

[Cut to Michael and Portia]

Michael: Where did you find it?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Hmm, he found me. Online.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yikes! In here, oh yeah, this. [Michael gets a marshmallow]  Here’s marshmallow peep. I coughed this out whole this morning.

[looks nicely at the camera]

Something’s wrong with me. And these… [Michael gets the Jordan almonds] these are Jordan almonds. And, this is my friend Jordan.

[Jordan walks in]

He’s not an almond but he’s a nut. Show em’

[Jordan makes weird noises and leaves]

Yeah, told ya’! Hey, Portia, what’s your chic doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Um, I think he’s hungry. Eat your own nugget.

[Portia gives chicken nugget to a chic ] [audience screaming ‘Aw!’] [Cut to Michael]

Michael: Wow. This kid has all the warning signs.

[Michael gets a small Santa]

Oh, look at this. Look at this. Santa. What’s this little turkey doing in here? Ha-ha-ha. We got work for you. Attention whore!

[Michael gets a stuffed monkey]

This is an Easter monkey. They say we descended from this. Yeah right! [Michael throws the stuffed monkey away]

And this is a chocolate bunny. [Michael gets the chocolate bunny] It’s actually hollow. Some people like the solid ones, but then, how are you gonna get your wiener in there?

Oh, boy. Look at this. [someone gives Michael a cocktail] Egg salad cosmo. Yeah! Don’t mind if I do.

Happy Easter everybody. [Portia walks behind Michael] Happy Easter Portia.

Portia: Happy Easter Michael Keaton.

[Jordan comes in and makes weird sound again]


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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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