Emergency Room


Dakota Johnson

Leslie Jones

Mr. Samson… Taran Killam

Dr. Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Pete Davidson

Venessa Bayer

[Starts with a patient grunting in an emergency room of a hospital]

Dakota: Mr. Samson, you’re gonna get through this.

Leslie: His vitals are dropping. Where is Dr. Thomas.

Dakota: It’s his day off. They had to call him in.

[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Just hold on. Mr. Samson, we’re gonna get you in a surgery as soon as the doctor gets here, okay?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas walking in. He is dressed as Worf from Star Trek.]

Dr. Thomas: Ah! I’m sorry I’m late. There was a lot of traffic around the convention center.

[Cut to everybody]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas, is that you?

Dr. Thomas: Oh, this? I almost forgot. I’ve been at a convention all day and didn’t have time to remove my prosthesis or my voice modulator.

Mr. Samson: What the hell are you?

Dr. Thomas: Sir, I am dressed as Worf, son of Mogh. You in good hands, sir. Nurse, charts?

[Cut to Leslie looking speechless]

Leslie: Here you go.

[Cut to everybody. Dr. Thomas is reading the files.] [Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Dakota: Dr. Thomas. Dr. Thomas? Dr. Thomas? [Dr. Thomas doesn’t respond.] Worf?

Dr. Thomas: Yes?

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Um, the patient’s blood pressure is dropping. He could go into cardiac arrest.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Nurse, look at me. I need you to trust me. Look into my eyes.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: You keep looking away. I need you to look at me.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: [laughing] I can’t. You look so stupid.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, you know what? To me, humans look stupid, okay?

[Cut to everybody] [Mr. Samson grunting in pain]

Leslie: We’re losing him doctor!

Dr. Thomas: Don’t you die on me Mr. Samson. [hitting on Mr. Samson’s chest] Fight! Fight!

[heartbeat flatline sound]

Oh! Oh! We’ve lost him.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]


[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: Was that a Worf thing?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think so. I’ll be honest. I’m actually not a huge Trekky, but my wife is. I’m trying to show her that I care about her interests. Now, bring in the family. I will break them the news.

[Cut to Dakota]

Dakota: I think somebody else should do it.

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Bring them to me.

[Cut to everybody. Leslie open the door. Pete and Venessa walk in.] [Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Pete: Worf?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes! I have some unfortunate news. Your grandfather is with his ancestors tonight drinking blood wine in Sto-vo-kor.

[Cut to Pete and Venessa]

Venessa: Uh, what does that mean?

[Cut to Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: He dead!

[Cut to everybody]

Venessa: Oh, no!

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dakota: Um, doctor, this is wildly inappropriate. You should not have come in today.

Dr. Thomas: I know. I apologize. I’m just trying to get closer to my wife. The language barrier is hard enough as it is.

Dakota: Language barrier? What?

Dr. Thomas: Yes. She’s Taiwanese. She speaks almost no English.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Dr. Worf.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, my dear?

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: We’re just trying to wrap our heads around this. Was your face the last thing our grandfather saw before he died?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Yes, yes. I was staring directly into his eyes, screaming.

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Huh! I actually find that kind of comforting.

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: Well, as we say in my family, [makes weird sounds].

[Cut to Venessa]

Venessa: Is that Kligon?

[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]

Dr. Thomas: I think it’s Taiwanese. Um, it means, ‘my mother is coming to live with us.’

Dakota: What? I mean…

Dr. Thomas: I know! I suck today! Argh! I fully suck. It’s my day off! Sheesh!

[The camera zooms to Dr. Thomas]

Male voice: This fall on NBC, Worf M.D.

Dr. Thomas: Rawr!

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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