Mr. Samson… Taran Killam
Dr. Thomas… Kenan Thompson
Venessa Bayer[Starts with a patient grunting in an emergency room of a hospital]
Dakota: Mr. Samson, you’re gonna get through this.
Leslie: His vitals are dropping. Where is Dr. Thomas.
Dakota: It’s his day off. They had to call him in.
Just hold on. Mr. Samson, we’re gonna get you in a surgery as soon as the doctor gets here, okay?[Cut to Dr. Thomas walking in. He is dressed as Worf from Star Trek.]
Dr. Thomas: Ah! I’m sorry I’m late. There was a lot of traffic around the convention center.[Cut to everybody]
Dakota: Dr. Thomas, is that you?
Dr. Thomas: Oh, this? I almost forgot. I’ve been at a convention all day and didn’t have time to remove my prosthesis or my voice modulator.
Mr. Samson: What the hell are you?
Dr. Thomas: Sir, I am dressed as Worf, son of Mogh. You in good hands, sir. Nurse, charts?
Leslie: Here you go.[Cut to everybody. Dr. Thomas is reading the files.] [Mr. Samson grunting in pain]
Dakota: Dr. Thomas. Dr. Thomas? Dr. Thomas? [Dr. Thomas doesn’t respond.] Worf?
Dr. Thomas: Yes?[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: Um, the patient’s blood pressure is dropping. He could go into cardiac arrest.[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Nurse, look at me. I need you to trust me. Look into my eyes.[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: [laughing] I can’t.
Dr. Thomas: You keep looking away. I need you to look at me.[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: [laughing] I can’t. You look so stupid.[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Well, you know what? To me, humans look stupid, okay?[Cut to everybody] [Mr. Samson grunting in pain]
Leslie: We’re losing him doctor!
Dr. Thomas: Don’t you die on me Mr. Samson. [hitting on Mr. Samson’s chest] Fight! Fight!
Oh! Oh! We’ve lost him.[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
No![Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: Was that a Worf thing?[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: I think so. I’ll be honest. I’m actually not a huge Trekky, but my wife is. I’m trying to show her that I care about her interests. Now, bring in the family. I will break them the news.[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: I think somebody else should do it.
Dr. Thomas: Bring them to me.[Cut to everybody. Leslie open the door. Pete and Venessa walk in.] [Cut to Pete and Venessa]
Pete: Worf?[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Yes! I have some unfortunate news. Your grandfather is with his ancestors tonight drinking blood wine in Sto-vo-kor.[Cut to Pete and Venessa]
Venessa: Uh, what does that mean?[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: He dead!
Venessa: Oh, no![Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dakota: Um, doctor, this is wildly inappropriate. You should not have come in today.
Dr. Thomas: I know. I apologize. I’m just trying to get closer to my wife. The language barrier is hard enough as it is.
Dakota: Language barrier? What?
Dr. Thomas: Yes. She’s Taiwanese. She speaks almost no English.[Cut to Venessa]
Venessa: Dr. Worf.[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Yes, my dear?[Cut to Venessa]
Venessa: We’re just trying to wrap our heads around this. Was your face the last thing our grandfather saw before he died?[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Yes, yes. I was staring directly into his eyes, screaming.[Cut to Venessa]
Venessa: Huh! I actually find that kind of comforting.[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Well, as we say in my family, [makes weird sounds].[Cut to Venessa]
Venessa: Is that Kligon?[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: I think it’s Taiwanese. Um, it means, ‘my mother is coming to live with us.’
Dakota: What? I mean…
Dr. Thomas: I know! I suck today! Argh! I fully suck. It’s my day off! Sheesh![The camera zooms to Dr. Thomas]
Male voice: This fall on NBC, Worf M.D.
Dr. Thomas: Rawr!