Dakota Johnson
Leslie Jones
Mr. Samson… Taran Killam
Dr. Thomas… Kenan Thompson
Pete Davidson
Venessa Bayer
[Starts with a patient grunting in an emergency room of a hospital]
Dakota: Mr. Samson, you’re gonna get through this.
Leslie: His vitals are dropping. Where is Dr. Thomas.
Dakota: It’s his day off. They had to call him in.
[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]
Just hold on. Mr. Samson, we’re gonna get you in a surgery as soon as the doctor gets here, okay?
[Cut to Dr. Thomas walking in. He is dressed as Worf from Star Trek.]
Dr. Thomas: Ah! I’m sorry I’m late. There was a lot of traffic around the convention center.
[Cut to everybody]
Dakota: Dr. Thomas, is that you?
Dr. Thomas: Oh, this? I almost forgot. I’ve been at a convention all day and didn’t have time to remove my prosthesis or my voice modulator.
Mr. Samson: What the hell are you?
Dr. Thomas: Sir, I am dressed as Worf, son of Mogh. You in good hands, sir. Nurse, charts?
[Cut to Leslie looking speechless]
Leslie: Here you go.
[Cut to everybody. Dr. Thomas is reading the files.]
[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]
Dakota: Dr. Thomas. Dr. Thomas? Dr. Thomas? [Dr. Thomas doesn’t respond.] Worf?
Dr. Thomas: Yes?
[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: Um, the patient’s blood pressure is dropping. He could go into cardiac arrest.
[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Nurse, look at me. I need you to trust me. Look into my eyes.
[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: [laughing] I can’t.
[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: You keep looking away. I need you to look at me.
[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: [laughing] I can’t. You look so stupid.
[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Well, you know what? To me, humans look stupid, okay?
[Cut to everybody]
[Mr. Samson grunting in pain]
Leslie: We’re losing him doctor!
Dr. Thomas: Don’t you die on me Mr. Samson. [hitting on Mr. Samson’s chest] Fight! Fight!
[heartbeat flatline sound]
Oh! Oh! We’ve lost him.
[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
No!
[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: Was that a Worf thing?
[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: I think so. I’ll be honest. I’m actually not a huge Trekky, but my wife is. I’m trying to show her that I care about her interests. Now, bring in the family. I will break them the news.
[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: I think somebody else should do it.
[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Bring them to me.
[Cut to everybody. Leslie open the door. Pete and Venessa walk in.]
[Cut to Pete and Venessa]
Pete: Worf?
[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Yes! I have some unfortunate news. Your grandfather is with his ancestors tonight drinking blood wine in Sto-vo-kor.
[Cut to Pete and Venessa]
Venessa: Uh, what does that mean?
[Cut to Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: He dead!
[Cut to everybody]
Venessa: Oh, no!
[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dakota: Um, doctor, this is wildly inappropriate. You should not have come in today.
Dr. Thomas: I know. I apologize. I’m just trying to get closer to my wife. The language barrier is hard enough as it is.
Dakota: Language barrier? What?
Dr. Thomas: Yes. She’s Taiwanese. She speaks almost no English.
[Cut to Venessa]
Venessa: Dr. Worf.
[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Yes, my dear?
[Cut to Venessa]
Venessa: We’re just trying to wrap our heads around this. Was your face the last thing our grandfather saw before he died?
[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Yes, yes. I was staring directly into his eyes, screaming.
[Cut to Venessa]
Venessa: Huh! I actually find that kind of comforting.
[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: Well, as we say in my family, [makes weird sounds].
[Cut to Venessa]
Venessa: Is that Kligon?
[Cut to Dakota and Dr. Thomas]
Dr. Thomas: I think it’s Taiwanese. Um, it means, ‘my mother is coming to live with us.’
Dakota: What? I mean…
Dr. Thomas: I know! I suck today! Argh! I fully suck. It’s my day off! Sheesh!
[The camera zooms to Dr. Thomas]
Male voice: This fall on NBC, Worf M.D.
Dr. Thomas: Rawr!
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