Lucious… Kenan Thompson
Cookie… Sasheer Zamata
Chip… Chris Hemsworth
Leslie Jones[Starts with a show promo]
Male voice: Empire, the television phenomenon returns this week with all your favorite characters. Lucious.[Cut to Lucious]
Lucious: This is my kingdom. And as long as I am alive, it will stand. Also, I’m dying.
Male voice: And Cookie
Cookie: I spent 17 years in jail and I haven’t aged a day![Cut to the clips of New York city]
Male voice: Empire has already taken black America by storm. But what about white America? We’ve got you covered. This week, we introduce a new character. Chip.[Cut to Chip]
Chip: Hi everyone.[Cut to a meeting room filled with black people] [Cookie looking pissed off] [Cut to Lucious and Chip]
Lucious: He’s gonna be our new office manager.
Chip: Does anyone actually do any work around here? [laughing] [Cut to Cookie throws a can of coke at Chip] [Cut to Chip]
Chip: I’m just saying, my name’s Chip.[Cut to Cookie]
Cookie: Take a dip, Chip!
Male voice: Drama, we’ve got it![Cut to Jay]
Jay: Dad, I love Hiphop. And I’m gay. Poof![Cut to Lucious]
Lucious: What the hell is poof?
Male voice: Ground breaking music. You bet![Cut to Michael in a studio rapping]
Michael: [rapping] drip drop
drip dripiddy drop
what the hell am I saying?
the hell am I saying? Seriously!
Male voice: If that’s not enough, now we’ve got a white dude.
Lucious: Ay! Look, I was a good father to you.[Cut to Jay and Cookie]
Cookie: No, you weren’t. When he was 9, you picked him up, put him in the trash can and put the lid on it.[Cut to Leslie]
Leslie: Damn! That kid was trashed or something?[Cut to Chip]
Chip: Wow, this is my first day. This is fun.[Cut to Jay and Michael]
Jay: I’m burning the whole world up. My own brother tried to kill me.
Chip: Hey, guys, sorry to interrupt. Do you mind signing this card? It’s Cookie’s birthday. [Jay and Michael are staring at him angrily] Okay. Go empire![Chip leaves] [Cut to Michael and Cookie. Michael is using cellphone while Cookie is talking to him.
Cookie: Look at me while I’m talking to you. I sacrificed everything for this family.[Cut to Michael]
Michael: You want a medal, bitch?[Cut to Cookie]
Cookie: I want some respect!
Michael: Ae! Ae! Ah! Ah![Chip walks in with a card and balloons. He sees Michael hitting Cookie so he walks away quietly.] [Cut to Chip and Leslie. In the office behind the, the family is quarreling.]
Chip: Um, just one question. You’ve turned in an expense report but there were no receipts with it.
Leslie: Yeah, I got the receipts right here.
Chip: Great, thank you.[Leslie pulls her middle finger out of her bag.] [Cut to Empire video bumper]
Male voice: Empire, now with something for everyone!
Jay: You set me up![Cut to Lucious’s family argument]
Chip: Guys, guys, guys. This meeting was supposed to be about Email Adecco.[Cut to Cookie beating up Chip in the meeting hall with a broom stick.]
Cookie: I’m not going back to jail.[Chip runs away]
Male voice: Wednesdays on Fox.