Ryan Coles… Blake shelton
Alissa… Cecily Strong
Venessa Bayer
Kate McKinnon
Sasheer Zamata
Ashley… Aidy Bryant
Leslie Jones
[Starts with Farm Hunk intro]
Male voice: One hunky farmer, 25 beautiful ladies. Who will he take home to Iowa to be his bride? It all happens tonight on Farm Hunk.
[Cut to Ryan Coles]
Ryan Coles: There’s so many beautiful girls here, but tonight I have to send three of them home. Probably the 2 black girls plus one with the curly hair one. So, tonight I’m gonna spend some one on one time with each of them to help make my decision.
[Cut to Ryan Coles and Alissa sitting on a bench at park.]
Alissa: Um, I like this.
Ryan Coles: Me too.
Alissa: Just us, you know?
Ryan Coles: I do know. So, Alyssa, tell me about yourself. I mean, who is Alyssa?
Alissa: Oh, okay. Well, I live in Hollywood. I’m a pediatric nurse. I’ve also done some light porn.
Ryan Coles: Hmm. I love kids. And I’m horny. So, if we get married, would you be willing to move to Iowa?
Alissa: I’d love that.
Ryan Coles: My town is really ugly and stinky and far away from things.
Alissa: I’d love that.
Ryan Coles: And there’s no one there of your age to be friends with. It’s only old men.
Alissa: As long as you’re there.
Ryan Coles: I won’t be, for long stretches of time.
Alissa: I’d love that.
[Venessa walks in]
Venessa: Sorry, can I steal him for a sec?
Alissa: Um, okay.
[Alissa leaves and Venessa sits with Ryan Coles.]
Bye!
Venessa: Um, I like this.
Ryan Coles: Me too. So, tell me about yourself.
Venessa: Well, I’m from Hollywood. I’m a second grade teacher… in my pornos. And in real life, I’m a third grade teacher.
Ryan Coles: In Iowa, you can’t teach. There’s no schools in my town.
Venessa: I’d love that.
[Kate walks in]
Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?
[Venessa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]
Kate: Um, I like this.
Ryan Coles: Me too. So,
tell me about yourself.
Kate: Well, I’m from Hollywood. And I’m a veteran … of the porn industry. I’ve served my country for like 200 times. I have a gift for you because I heard that you like Italian food.
Ryan Coles: I do, it’s really good.
Kate: [laughs] It’s funny! So, I brought you some spaghetti. Here. [Kate has spaghetti all over her hand. She puts the spaghetti on Ryan Coles’s palms.]
[Sasheer walks in]
Sasheer: Can I steal him for a second please?
Kate: Yeah, sure.
Sasheer: Thank you.
[Kate leaves and Sasheer sits with Ryan Coles.]
I know we haven’t had a chance to talk yet, but when I die, I wanna be buried next to you.
Ryan Coles: Well, if I pick you, you’d have to move to Iowa. Would you be cool with never seeing another black person again?
Sasheer: I’d love that.
[Ashley walks in]
Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a second?
Sasheer: Sure.
[Sasheer leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]
Ashley: Hi. Gosh, I’m glad we’re finally getting some sexy alone time coz I’m ready to– [crying] I’m sorry. My dad is dead. He died 10 years ago and I really miss him. Like, I’m not good. I’m really, really bad.
[Alissa walks in]
Alissa: Hey, can I steal him for a sec?
Ashley: Yeah!
[Ashley leaves and Alissa sits with Ryan Coles.]
Alissa: I just want to say that I’m really falling for you. And, I don’t like a lot of people. I don’t like Mexicans. I don’t like Chinese. But I like you.
Ryan Coles: I feel the same way.
Alissa: I guess we’re soulmates.
[Kate walks in with a parrot.]
Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?
[Alissa leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]
I heard you like animals. So, I brought you a alive macaw. It’s like me. Unpredictable in a bad way.
[Ashley walks in]
Ashley: Um, can I steal him for a sec?
[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]
I’m Saryan. I wrote you a rap.
[rapping] My name is Ashley and I’m only fun
my n–
[crying] I’m sorry. My brain is sick. You’re gonna have to give me medicine everyday. And it has to be in cheese or I spit it out. Please pick me.
[Kate walks in with welding machine.]
Kate: Hi, can I steal him for a second?
[Ashley leaves and Kate sits with Ryan Coles.]
Um, I heard that you like welding. So, I thought maybe we could weld some metal together.
[Ashley walks in]
Ashley: Hi, can I steal him for a sec?
[Kate leaves and Ashley sits with Ryan Coles.]
So, tell me about you. Like, what kind of farmer are you? Do you make grass? Or do you like, make beans? Or– [crying] I’m sorry. I was kidnapped when I was little. It happened on the same day. Just because she did baby beauty pageants and I did baby weight lifting, nobody cared!
Ryan Coles: Okay, listen to me. I love how real you’re being right now. And I think I– I know that I’ve talked to everyone and I’ve made my decision.
[Leslie walks in]
Leslie: Wait, wait, wait, wait. [Leslie pulls and throws Ashley away] Can I talk to him for a second?
You did not talk to me. I’m not going home tonight. It’s week 2, that’s when I go. I get that. But listen, if you ever in New York, give me a call and I’ll shuck your corn all night long.
Ryan Coles: Can I get your cell number?
Leslie: Just google Leslie Jones, SNL. It will all come up.
[cheers and applause]
