FOX & Friends: Syrian Refugee Crisis Cold Open

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Steve Doocey… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Hasselback… Vanessa Bayer

Brian Kilmeade… Bobby Moynihan

Debbie Wasserman Schultz… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Carla… Leslie Jones

[Starts with FOX & friends intro]

Female voice: You’re watching & friends.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian in their set]

Steve: Hello and welcome back to FOX & friends. I’m Steve Doocey and with me is usual Elizabeth Hasselback and Brian Kilmeade

Elizabeth: Hey there.

Brian: Good morning.

Steve: Well, we are less than a week away from the big turkey day.

Elizabeth: That’s right. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, hey, no need to be politically correct. You can just say it the old fashioned way. “Happy thanksgiving, Jesus.”

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, the refugee situation over in the middle east may be even worse than we previously thought.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: That’s right. Look at this footage we at FOX have just obtained of a crazed mob of Syrian refugees flooding over our borders into this country.

[Cut to a chaotic video of people getting in a store]

Steve: Look at it, it’s chaos. There’s no screening. They’re just walking into that Walmart. They’re just taking anything they like.

[Cut to Steve. He is listening to his earpiece.]

Okay, I’m being told that’s not actually footage of refugees. It’s Walmart shoppers on Black Friday.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Well, I think the point’s still stands.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: By the way, why are we supposed to give special treatment to Black Friday? I’m just gonna come out and say it, all Fridays matter.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: True. Very, very true. And with millions fleeing from ISIS, there has been plenty of debate over whether the US should allow any refugees in from Syria.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Oh, well, Syria has been nothing but good to me. Helps me all the time. [Brian takes his iPhone out and talks to Siri] Hey Syria, locate nearest bathroom.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Well, one person who seems just fine with the Syrians coming into this country is democratic national committee chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz who joins us now.

[Cut to Debbie in her office]

Debbie: Thank you Steve. Sorry I couldn’t be there but if I wanted crap shoved down my throat I’d be a fuagra goose.

[Cut to split screen of Elizabeth and Debbie]

Elizabeth: Schultz, you don’t think there should be more screening for refugees?

Debbie: Elizabeth, I’m from Florida. We’re full of refugees. We have Cubans escaping communism. We got Guatemalans escaping drug cartels. And we got old people escaping winter. That’s a Wasserman Schultz original.

[Steve appears in place of Elizabeth]

Steve: But Mr.s Schultz, I mean these are dangerous people.

Debbie: Oh, my god. You people and your genophobia. You make me so nuts. [Cut to Debbie] You know, when I wake up in the morning my hair is stick straight. Then I tune in for FOX news and it curls itself.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: But you must agree with senator Marco Rubio that it’s not that we aren’t compassionate, we just want to be safe.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Marco Rubio, huh? You need to tell that grown up alien Gonzalez to shut the hell up. Look, if the red states won’t take these refugees, I will. We’ll all live in one big house and they’ll make a reality show about it. 19,000 Syrians in counting. Wasserman Schultz out.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Well, Mrs. Schultz isn’t the only one with an opinion on the refugee situation.

Elizabeth: That’s right. [Cut to Elizabeth] many presidential candidates have also wayed in.] We have one of the leading contenders here with us tonight. Dr. Ben Carson.

[Cut to Debbie]

Debbie: Straight out of Compton.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No, no, no, Brian! That’s the wrong black doctor. You’re thinking of Dr. Dre. Hello Dr. Carson.

[Cut to Ben in his office]

Ben: Hello everyone. My apologies if I already seem agitated but I am just revved up about this. I would ask the views at home to turn their volume down because I might get crazy.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: Now doctor, you yourself have said we should carefully screen everyone coming into this country. Do you have a plan that would separate Muslims from Christian refugees.

Ben: Well, weeding out the Islamic would be simple. [Cut to Ben] First we’d say, “You can’t come into this country until I see you eat a bacon while singing a Christmas Carol.” Or all refugees will be given mad libs with a phrase, “Death to blank.” Anyone who writes America won’t be allowed inside America.

[Cut to Elizabeth]

Elizabeth: Now, president Obama has decided to lead from behind on this. Isn’t that dangerous?

[Cut to Ben]

Ben: Absolutely. Extremists are entering this country everyday. I mean, open your eyes president Obama. It’s enough to make me wanna flip my top.

[Cut to split screen of Steve and Ben]

Steve: I gotta say Dr. Carson, you seem pretty calm sir.

Ben: Oh, I’m like a koala bear. On the outside I may seem nice but on the inside, I’ve never held elected office.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: You know what? Why don’t we take a break. But before we do go, let’s check in with our FOX news fact checker. Carla, how did we do?

[Cut to Carla]

Carla: Bad! Y’all gonna have me up all night.

[Cut to Steve, Elizabeth and Brian]

Steve: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Fair enough, Carla. We’ll see you after the break and…

Steve, Elizabeth and Brian: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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