Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky
Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond
Ted Cruz… Taran Killam
Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah
Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson
Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett
Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost
Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong
Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan
Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]
Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.
Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving] [Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]
Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy![Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.
Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.
Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.
Jeb Bush: No I don’t.
Donald Trump: Yes you do.
Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?
Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?[Cut to Chris Christie]
Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.
Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.[Cut to Chris Christie]
Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever![Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]
Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]
Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.
Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?[Cut to Ben Carson]
Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.[Cut to Carly Fiorina]
Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.
He is ready to take another run at Trump.[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.
Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.
Jeb Bush: That is not true.
Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.
Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.
Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?
Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on![Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?[Cut to Marco Rubio]
Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]
Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole[Cut to Jeb Bush]
Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.[Cut to Donald Trump]
Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.[The End]