Beck Bennett
Miley Cyrus
Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Cecily Strong
Bartender… Hillary Clinton
Taran Killam
Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond
[Starts with a couple in a restaurant]
Beck: Did you see Trump on a rally this week?
Miley: Oh, love that guy. He just says whatever he wants.
Beck: Yeah. My tops are Trump and then black doctor.
Miley: I don’t know. I kind of like Carly Fiorina.
Beck: Yes, she’d make the best first female president. Don’t you think?
[Cut to Hillary Clinton and Cecily sitting on the bar booth listening to people talk]
Hillary Clinton: Oh, man! Why won’t the people just let me lead?
Cecily: You know what?
Hillary Clinton: Just give me the hammer and the nails and let me fix it all!
Cecily: Hillary, I think that you’ve heard enough in here. Let’s get out of here.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, you go ahead. I’m gonna have one more drink. Hey Bartender, keep on coming!
[Bartender pours a drink for Hillary Clinton]
[cheers and applause]
Bartender: Rough night?
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, you could say that. Whoo! Hi! I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton.
[Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Bartender]
Bartender: Hey, great name. I’m Vale. So, Hillary, what brings you here tonight?
Hillary Clinton: Well, I needed to blow out some steam. I’ve had a hard couple of 22 years.
Bartender: Why? What do you do for a living?
Hillary Clinton: Well, first, I am a grandmother. And second, I am a human and trusted with this one green earth.
Bartender: Oh, I get it. You’re a politician.
Hillary Clinton: Yes! And how about you?
Bartender: Me? I’m just an ordinary citizen who believes the Keystone pipeline will destroy our environment.
Hillary Clinton: I agree with you there. It did take me a long time to decide that, but I am against it.
Bartender: You know, nothing wrong with taking your time. What’s important is getting it right.
Hillary Clinton: Yes. I’ll drink to that. God, I love scalding hot vodka.
Bartender: You know, I just realized, I never checked your ID.
Hillary Clinton: [laughing] ID? Come on, please! I have a one year old granddaughter. She calls me madam president.
Bartender: I never would have guessed. You give up such a young cool vibe, you must work in Brooklyn.
Hillary Clinton: Yes! Somewhere in there. Yes!
[Taran comes in]
Taran: Hi, hi, Mrs. Clinton. I’m so sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to say my sister’s gay. So, thank you for all you’ve done for gay marriage.
[Hillary Clinton shakes hands with Taran]
Hillary Clinton: Well, you’re welcome.
[Taran walks away]
Bartender: It really is great how long you’ve supported gay marriate.
Hillary Clinton: Yes. I could have supported it sooner.
Bartender: Well, you did pretty soon.
Hillary Clinton: Yeah, could have been sooner.
Bartender: Fair point.
Hillary Clinton: Well, let us then tap our fists in friendship. Oh there, I’m just so darn bumped. All anyone wants to talk about is Donald Trump.
Bartender: Donald Trump? Isn’t he the one that’s like, [impersonating Donald Trump] “Uh, you’re all losers?”
Hillary Clinton: [laughing] That is him. That is him.
Bartender: I mean, do you think he will win the primaries?
Hillary Clinton: He must. I wanna be the one to take him down. I will destroy him and I will mount his hair in the Oval Office.
Bartender: Well, that’s kind of a lot. Maybe you should take a vacation.
Hillary Clinton: A va-cushion?
Bartender: a vacation.
Hillary Clinton: Va-can-change? What did you say?
Bartender: A vacation.
[Bill Clinton interrupts]
Bill Clinton: Did somebody say vacation?
[cheers and applause]
[Bill Clinton looks at Hillary Clinton and Bartender]
Oh, my god! They’re multiplying!
[Bill Clinton runs away]
Hillary Clinton: Well, I guess I should get going. But, this has been so nice. You are really easy to talk to.
Bartender: Oh, thanks. You know, that’s a first time I’ve ever heard that.
Hillary Clinton: Oh, Vale, Vale, I wish you could be president.
Bartender: Yeah, me too.
[cheers and applause]
Hillary Clinton: You know what, Vale, [music playing] I’ve learnt something from you tonight.
[singing] Sometimes in our lives
we all have pain, we all have sorrow
Hillary Clinton and Bartender: But, if we are wise
we know that there’s always tomorrow
Hillary Clinton: Lean on me, when you’re not strong
And I’ll be your friend
I’ll help you carry on
Cecily: Hillary! Hillary! What are you doing?
Hillary Clinton: Oh, I was just hanging out with my best friend Vale.
[Hillary Clinton looks around]
Well, where is she?
Cecily: Um, there’s nobody here. I think you’ve had one too many, Hillary. Let’s go.
Hillary Clinton: No. She was real, and smart, and really nice in person.
Cecily: Okay, Hillary. Whatever you say.
Hillary Clinton: Where is she? [looks down] Wait, what’s this?
[Hillary Clinton picks up a sandal from the floor]
I hard tan business shoe. I was right. She is real.
[Hillary Clinton starts dancing alone.]
