Venessa Bayer
Cecily Strong
Miley Cyrus
Ronda… Leslie Jones
Waiter… Jon Rudnitsky
Kate McKinnon
[Starts with women colleagues having meal at a restaurant]Venessa: It’s so cool this place is right around the corner from the office.
Cecily: Yeah, I can’t believe this is the actual table where Meg Ryan had that famous fake orgasm scene.
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Miley: Oh! ‘When Harry met Sally’ is my favorite movie.
Venessa: I must have seen it 50 times.
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Cecily: I must have seen it 100 times.
[Cut to Ronda. She is bored.]Ronda: Let’s talk about something else please.
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Cecily: Guys, you know what would be fun?
Miley: Oh, I think where you’re going with this.
[Cut to Ronda]Ronda: Me too. We order a big old plate of potato salad in Pig Out.
Cecily: I’m gonna do the Meg Ryan part.
Miley: Oh, go ahead girl. I am sure people do it here all the time.
[Cut to Venessa]Venessa: Okay. I’ll be Billy Crystal. Okay. [acting] Sally, no one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell. It’s pretty good.
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Cecily: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!
Miley: Oh, my god! You are so crazy! I wanna try.
[Cut to Venessa]Venessa: Okay, okay. No one’s ever faked it with me. I can tell–
Cecily: You know. You don’t have to do that every time.
[Cut to Miley]Miley: [faking orgasm] Oh! Oh! Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [laughing] Actually what I do when I fake it.
Cecily: You had me convinced. Hey, you do it Ronda.
[Cut to Ronda shaking her head]Ronda: No!
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Cecily: It’s fun. Just do what you do when you have an orgasm.
Ronda: Oh! Alright! Alright! Let me see. Let me see. Oh! Oh! Oh! Yeah! [smiling] Yeah!
Miley: There you go, Ronda! You’re getting into it.
[Cut to everybody]Ronda: Oh. [yelling] Oh, man! Oh god! This is good! [others are looking around embarrassed] You’re blowing my mind with the little pecker man! That thing sneaks up on your bro, hot dough! I mean you got it all, baby. Little pecker! [smiling] Good pumps. Faaan-tastic! Oh, no! [yelling] The condom busted! I can’t have a freaking baby! I’m a dancer!
[others are embarrassed]That was fun. That was fun. Is that like they do it in the movie?
Miley: Not really. [Cut to Cecily and Miley] It’s more like a real orgasm.
Ronda: Oh! Okay. I get it now. I get it.
[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in]Waiter: Are you ladies ready to order?
Ronda: Um, we actually need another minute.
[Waiter walks away]Cecily: I could have ordered.
[Cut to Ronda]Ronda: Okay. Um, um.
Venessa: Okay, we’re not doing that anymore. Honey, okay?
[Cut to Ronda]Ronda: [closing eyes] Oh, yeah! [yelling] This feels so good, good, freaking!
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Miley: Ronda!
[Cut to Ronda]Ronda: [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted through!
[Cut to Venessa]Venessa: Again?
[Cut to Ronda]Ronda: I can’t have your baby, Marco! You are my brother’s husband!
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Cecily: What?
[Cut to Ronda]Ronda: Don’t cry, Marco. If you cry, I’ll cry. You gotta stay with my brother, finish out the con. Hold on a minute, Marco. [yelling] Occupied! O-ccu-pied!
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Miley: Wait! You’re in a bathroom?
[Cut to Ronda]Ronda: Clean it later! We’re using it.
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Cecily: So, that’s all happening while you’re orgasming?
[Cut to everybody. Waiter walks in.]Waiter: Right! Are you ladies ready to order yet?
Venessa: God, yes! Thank you. Okay, three turkey sandwiches and big old plate of potato salad?
[Cut to Ronda showing her thumbs up.] [Cut to everybody]Waiter: Um, fun fact, did you know this is the actual table from ‘When Harry Met Sally’?
Miley: Yes. Yes. We did know that. Thankyou.
Ronda: Yeah. I liked the scene where she’s like, [Cut to Ronda] “Oh, yes! Yes! Give it to me Marco. What’s that Marco? You got a surprise for me? Well, where is it? Under the covers? I don’t see what the– [yelling] A dutch oven? Marco! Pulling the sheets over someone’s head and farting is sign of disrespect in this country. I got so much to teach you, Marco. [yelling] Oh, no! The condom busted again! You’re little pecker is too sharp!”
[Cut to everybody. They’re all embarrassed.] [Cut to Kate sitting in another table staring at Ronda]Kate: I’ll have what she’s having.
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Cecily: She’s having a big old plate of potato salad.
[Cut to Kate]Kate: Oh, then definitely not. I’ll have a soup, hot!
[Cut to Cecily and Miley]Cecily: I’m not the waiter.
[Cut to everybody]Venessa: Let’s get out of here. I know a place that’s marvelous, baby! Perfect Billy Crystals.
[The End]