Louis C.K. Monologue


Louis C.K.

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Louis C.K..

[Louis C.K. walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Louis C.K.: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Oh, stop.

[audience saying something]

Um, hi! It’s a little early for that. Well, thank you very much for being here. This is the 40th year of this show’s existence. And this is the finale. So, I’m very honored honestly to be asked to host this. So, thanks and I’m glad you guys are here. Yeah, it’s fine. Anyway, I was born in 1967, and so I grew up in the 70s. So, I’m not racist. However, I do have mild racism. It’s the best I can do coming out the 70s because that was a very racist decade. People said racist things all the time and nobody got offended. The only time somebody got offended if you said something racist in the 70s is when they say like, “Hey, you interrupted me. I was saying something racist. Why did you..?”

So, I have mild racism. It’s benign, it’s not aggressive, it’s not even negative racism. It’s mild racism. I’ll give you the example. Okay? Like, if I go to a pizza place I’ve never been to before and it’s run by four black women, I’ll go like, “Hmm!” See, it’s very mild! It’s extremely mild racism. I’ll notice that. “Hmm. You don’t usually see that, four black women running a pizza place.” Unless it’s called ‘Four Black Girls’ Pizza’ or something like that. Like, that’s the whole point of the place. It’s mild.

Here’s another example of mild racism. If I… say I’m in a hospital and doctor comes in to treat me and the doctor is from China or India, I’ll think, “Well, good! Good! Good, more of that. Why not?” It’s very mild racism.

Here’s another example. If I’m in a gas station late at night, a young man comes in wearing a hooded sweatshirt, if he’s white I’ll think, “Oh, he’s athlete.” If he’s black, unless he has a big smile on his face, then I’ll become mildly racist and this is what I think. I think, “That’s fine! Everything is fine! Nothing’s gonna happen. No, of course I’m fine. Why did I even think that for a second?”

This is because I was raised in the 70s. The 70s were a very different time. The 70s, everything was different in the 70s than it is now. Except the middle east. It’s exactly the same. It’s exactly the same as it was in the 70s. It’s been the same fights. And you know what? It’s boring now. That’s the worst part of it! When I was a kid, we were like, [acting scared] “Err!”, but you can’t go like this for a thousand years. After a while, when you fight, people don’t care, coz when both of you just keep fighting, everybody’s like, “Those guys are dicks. They just fight.” That’s what it’s like.

You know, I have two kids and they fight sometimes. And when they first started fighting, I got concerned. I go in their room and I’m like, “Hey, what’s going on? What’s wrong? Why are we having some feelings? Can we listen to each other please? Can we please just listen to each other? Okay, you go first.” Then she goes, she’s like, [mumbling stuffs funnily] “Um, yeah, that sounds hard.” [mumbling stuffs funnily] “Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thank you. Now you. [mumbling loudly] Coz I like this one a little more, [pointing at the side where he was applying his first kid was] so I’m making– [mumbling loudly] “Hmm.” And they work it out. You help them work it out. But if they keep fighting, you stop dong that. After a while, you just go in their room and you just go, [yelling] “Hey! Shut up! You’re both wrong!” Coz they won’t stop fighting. You’re in a family. There’s other people in this family and you’re being a couple of selfish little bitches that won’t fix anything. You share room. We can’t afford another room. So, just deal with it.

Somehow, this has to do with Israel and Palestine. I know exactly. I remember how. It is coz my kids are like Israel and Palestine. And I’m like America. The little one’s like Palestine coz she always gets screwed. She always gets the worst deals. She’s like, “She threw a rock at my face.” I’m like, “Your fine! Look at you, you have a great life. You take a rock on your face once in a while. You’re fine.”

The older one is like Israel. She comes at me and says, “She burnt all my dolls.” I’m like, “Look, I can’t do anything about it right now. Your sister is crazy. Please don’t make me talk to her. I’ll work it out you and me, okay? We’ll go out. I’ll buy you a really cool missile and you do whatever you do with it. Totally up to you.

The 70s were very different. In the 70s, there was a child molester that lived in my hometown. And it wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t like, “We got a child molester.” It was like, “Yeah, that’s the house where the child molester lives. He lives there, kids. Don’t be stupid, you’ll get molested. Just stay away from the child molester house. I know coz he did something to me when I was your age. So, just stay away from the child molester house.”

We really had a town child molester. His name was John Baptist. This is a true story. And he liked teenage boys. That’s when you would find out coz I was a teenage boy. He didn’t like me. I felt little bad. He was like, “Not you.” He wasn’t into me. But he would drive up next to teenage boys and he’d say, “Hello, would you like to go to McDonald’s?” And you’re like, “No!” And he’s like, “Why? You don’t like McDonald’s?” And then you’re trapped coz of course everybody liked McDonald’s in the 70s. And then I had one friend who used to get in the car. He’d be like, “Sure, I’ll go.” And he’d get in the car, go to the McDonald’s and eat a burger, and then he’d say, “See ya!” and just take off! And John Baptist was like, [facepalm] “Argh! I did not get to have sex with that child. I failed again.” But he’d always try. “Mmm-maybe this time.”

Because child molesters are very tortious people. They love molesting child! It’s crazy! It’s like their favorite thing. I mean when you — it’s so crazy coz when you consider the risk in being a child molester, speaking not of even the damage you’re doing, but the risk. There’s no worse life available to a human than being a caught child molester. And yet, they still do it. Which from you can only really surmize, that it must be really good! I mean from their point of view. Not ours, but from their point of view. It must be amazing, for them to risk so much!

I didn’t think– My last show probably.

[audience laughing]

Because– Look, I can’t key into it because I love Mount’s bars. I love mount’s bars. It’s my favorite thing, right? But there’s a limit. I mean, I can’t even eat a Mount’s bar and do something else at the same time. That’s how much I love them. Like, if I’m eating a Mount’s bar, I can’t read the paper like, [acting as if he’s reading the paper]. I have to just sit there with it in my mouth and go like, “Why is this so good? I love this so much.” And because they are delicious. And yet, if somebody said to me, “If you eat another Mount’s bar, you’ll go to jail and everybody will hate you”, I would stop eating them. Because they do taste delicious, but they don’t taste as good as as a young boy does, and shouldn’t– to a child molester! Not to me! Not to us! Coz we’re all awesome.

[breathes out]

Alright, we did it. We got through. We got a great show tonight! Rihanna is here. So, stick around and we’ll be right back.

[cheers and applause]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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