Host… Kenan Thompson
Phil… Taran Killam
Brandon… Chris Hemsworth
Keith… Jay Pharoah
Craig… Beck Bennett
Host: Okay everybody, let’s calm down. Now, I’m very sorry that I got so upset with that woman. But there is no outside food allowed in the strip club. Now I know you wanna have a good time. But a full styrofoam play to chicken vindaloo, that will not work. Have some respect for the people around you, and also yourself. Look at the mess that she left. [Cut to a table where left overs from packed food is left.] Looks like a whole came through here.[music playing]
Now you ladies ready to get horned up? You wanna see some peen?[Cut to the ladies audience cheering and applauding.] [Cut to Host]
Host: Oh, we got a great lineup for great AB for you tonight. Four brand new fangses here at Hunk Junction. They are some students from nearby college. They’re good looking boys and they put together a real hot show for ya. Let’s bring em’ out.[Cut to cheering ladies] [Cut to four guys walking on the stage]
Phil: Hit it![music changes] [Cut to Phil]
Good evening ladies. I’m Phil and I’m thrilled to have the opportunity to dance for you this evening.[Cut to Brandon]
Brandon: And I’m Brandon. And I hail from the great state of Oregon. Home of the majestic red one.
Keith: Me, I’m Keith and I’m from a small lobster town in New England.[Cut to Craig]
Craig: I’m Craig, and the white sandy shores of Ahwatukee is where I call home.[Cut to the guys]
All: This is our America.[The guys start dancing] [Cut to the ladies staring at them. Leslie is enjoying.] [Cut to the guys dancing]
Phil: Next stop, New York city.
Keith: Step on it.
Craig: All aboard.
Cecily: What the hell is this?
Aidy: Yeah, I paid to see naked tool.
Kate: Something better slop out of their pants pretty quick.
Leslie: I appreciate the showmanship.[Cut to the boys under one umbrella]
Craig: It’s starting to rain, just our luck!
Phil: On our first day in the big city?
Keith: You gotta be joking me.
Brandon: Who cares? Take a look at that skyline.
Phil: Taxi cab![Cut to Host looking nervous and confused.]
Host: Should I stop this? I mean what should a man in my position do?
Jon: Top story. The Germans are retreating.[Jon dances out]
Brandon: Did you hear that fellas? The war is over!
Craig: We won!
Phil: Taxi![Cut to the ladies.]
Kate: Okay, maybe we got to tip them.
Cecily: You know, even if they do strip, I’m not sure I’ll be turned on at this point.[Cut to the boys dancing on the stage. Kate dances in and gives Brandon some money. He just takes it and puts it in his wallet.]
Brandon: Thank you ma’am.[Kate walks away] [Cut to the ladies]
Cecily: He put the tip in his wallet.
Kate: Yea, yea, but it worked. It worked. Look.[Cut to the dancing boys. They rip off their pants, but underneath, they’re wearing another white pants.] [Cut to the ladies]
Aidy: What? Why are they wearing long shorts under their break-away pants?
Leslie: Listen, these men are hot. You can’t argue with that. This show may not be perfect but they care about it.
Aidy: okay, but this part is straight up racist.[Cut to the boys wearing Asian hat and using Asian hand-fan.]
Phil: Your town is amazing.
Brandon: So many great Chinese people.
Craig: And culture.
Keith: What an afternoon![Cut to Host]
Host: [speaking on the mic] Whip out your naked ding-dongs now![Cut to the guys dancing]
Boys: Taxi![The boys are high-fiving and celebrating.] [Host walks in disappointed]
Host: Yeah, I knew I shouldn’t have hired these men when they showed up with little dance bags that said, “Tis School of the Arts.” And then they asked if I supplied character shoots. Now, gentlemen, listen up. If you wanna continue working at this establishment, you must expose your stinky pee and them testi-balls.[The boys start opening their pants]
No, no, no, no. You gotta do it with the music.[The End]