Matthew McConaughey Monologue


Matthew McConaughey

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.

[1 walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Matthew McConaughey: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It’s great to be here. Welcome to the zoo, we are the monkeys. It has been 14 years since I did this show. And I gotta tell ya, I did not remember how much work it is. Seriously. We’ve been doing 16 hours a day for last six days for just getting ready. Not that we are actually ready coz I promise you we are not. But you know what? I appreciate everything, tonight’s gonna go okay, okay, okay. [Teases his famous phrase “Alright, alright, alright”.] That’s not what you thought I was gonna say, was it?

Alright, well let me tell you the origin story of the phrase you thought I was gonna say. This is title of the right bar at the right time. It’s 1992, I’m in Austin, Texas in college. Not even thinking about being an actor at this point. I go to this bar where I get introduced to this producer. This producer and I started talking and four hours later we get kicked out of the so said bar. On the taxi ride home, he asked me, he says, “Hey McConaughey, you ever done any acting?” I say, “Well, no. Not really.” He says, “I’m doing this movie and you might be right for this part.” Sure enough, I wake up the next morning, I go pick up the script. It’s called ‘Dazed and Confused’. My character David Wooderson, he has three lines in the entire film. But one of those lines is what I’d like to call a launchpad line. What do I mean by that? Launchpad line is a line that if the character really believes it then I can feel like I can write a whole book on this character. The scene goes like this. Wooderson’s hanging out at a pool hall with some buddies and these girls walk by, he smacks one of them on the ass. His buddy says, “You’re gonna go to jail for that Woodman.” Wooderson says, “Nah. That’s what I love about those high school girls man. I get older but they stay the same age.” Right?

So, I get called into this wardrobe make out test on the set. I’m not supposed to work but I get called in for it. The director comes up to me, Richard Linklater says, “Oh my god. You look great. This is Wooderson. This is exactly who I hoped he’d be.” He says, “Listen. We’re doing this drive through scene tonight and I know you’re not supposed to work but you think Wooderson might be picking up on the red headed intellectual? He has already been with the cheerleader and the typically hot girls. What about the red headed intellectual?” I said, “Sure he would, man. Wooderson loves all kinds of women.” Then he goes, “Hey, you wanna shoot it?” Next thing I know, I’m in a car getting ready to shoot the very first scene of my film acting career unscripted. Am I nervous? Damn right I’m nervous. So, I’m starting to think. Who is Wooderson? Who is my man? You know, what’s he about? I had to tell myself Wooderson’s about four things. He’s about cars, weed, rock n’ roll and chicks. I look around where I am. Well, I’m in my 70s chevette, that’s one. I got a Slator riding shotgun so I’m definitely getting high, that’s two. And we got Ted Nugent playing Stranglehold on the A track, well that’s three. At this point, I hear over the intercom, “Action!” And I look up across the drive through and there’s red headed intellectual. And I say to myself, “Buddy, you got a three out of four” … alright, alright, alright.

We got a great show for you tonight. Adele is here. Yes, she’s alright. Stick around, we’re coming right back.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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