Brian… Bobby Moynihan
Steve … Taran Killam
Toby … Kenan Thompson
Helen Walsh… Amy Poehler
Samantha… Vanessa Bayer
Elane… Aidy Bryant
Diana… Leslie Jones
Alicia… Cecily Strong
Male voice: He’s a professor from Alexandria, Virginia.[Cut to Steve]
He is a software engineer from Palo Alto, California.[Cut to Toby]
And he’s a financial analyst in Boston, Massachusetts.[Cut to Brian, Steve and Toby]
They may not know it yet, but they’re all guests of America’s favorite new show,[Cut to the show set. There are two ladies hosting and the three contestants.]
Meet Your Second Wife![Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: Hello and welcome to Meet Your Second Wife.
Helen: We’re your hosts. I am Helen Walsh.
Tina: And I am Tina Fey
Helen: And this is the only show where happily married men get a chance to meet the person who will one day become their second wife.
Tina: You guys excited?[Cut to the contestants looking confused] [Cut to Tina and Helen]
Helen: Great! Let’s meet our first contestant. Bryan from Alexandria.[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Wait, I’m sorry, what is this show now?
Tina: You’ll see. Now, I understand your lovely wife Samantha is in the audience today.[Cut to Samantha]
Samantha: Yay! Brian.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: She seems great… for now.
Helen: But Brian, let’s meet your second wife.[Cut to the stage. A young girl walks in.]
Brian, this is Hannah.
Hannah is currently an 8 grade student at Welington Middle School but one day years in the future, she will be your second wife.[Cut to Brian]
Brian: That’s impossible. I love my wife. She supported me while I’ve been writing my novels. So…[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: But what if I told you in a few years, one of your novels becomes a surprise best seller and even optioned for a movie?[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Um, yeah. The yeah, I get it now.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: Do you have any questions for your second wife, Brian?
Brian: Um, sure. Hi, what kind of things are you interested in?[Cut to the girl]
Girl: Horses.[Cut to Brian]
Brian: Horses. Yeah. Horses are cool.[Cut to Samantha looking confused and worried.] [Cut to Brian]
Okay, well, I guess I’ll see you again in 20 years. Ha-ha-ha-ha.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: Actually, it’s seven. Next is Steve from Palo Alto.
Helen: Excited to be here Steve?
Steve: Um, I was before but now I’m not.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Helen: Great! I understand that your wife Elane is here also.[Cut to Elane]
Elane: I thought this was a home makeover show.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: In a way, it is.
Helen: Okay Steve, lets meet your second wife.[a small girl enters the set]
This is Stacey.[Cut to Steve looking very concerned]
Steve: Oh, no![Cut to Tina and Helen]
Helen: How many years old are you, Stacey?[Cut to Stacey. She shows her five fingers.] [Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: That is five fingers. I believe she is trying to say she’s five.
Helen: Well, Stacey may still be learning her numbers but one day she will be your second wife.
Tina: What’s gonna happen is, Stacey will apply for an internship at your company…
Helen: Which she will hear about from a college roommate who is also, you guessed, your daughter.[Cut to Steve]
Steve: I mean, that’s kind of nice, right? At least then my daughter and she can stay friends.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: Oh yeah. Your daughter is gonna love it.[Cut to Steve]
Steve: No, I’m sorry, this is ridiculous. I am not leaving Elane.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: You’re right. You won’t. Sadly, Elane will pass away in a tragic kayaking accident.[Cut to Elane]
Elane: What?[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Helen: Sorry Elane, we don’t make the future. We just know it.
Tina: Next up, we’ve got Toby from Boston.[Cut to Toby]
Helen: And Toby, you’re here tonight with your wife of 20 years, Diana.
Toby: That’s right. Hey baby.[Cut to Diana looking angry in the audience] [Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: Okay. Toby, let’s meet your second wife.[Cut to Toby]
Toby: [eyes closed and fingers crossed] Don’t be white. Don’t be white. Don’t be white.[A good looking lady walks in]
Oh, son of a– [looking happy] [Cut to Diana]
Diana: You a dead man, Toby.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: Toby, this is Alicia. [Cut to Alicia] She is currently a sophomore at Wreckers.[Cut to Toby]
Toby: Well, that’s not that bad. I mean, the other ones were younger, right?[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Helen: Slow down. See, Alicia has a serious boyfriend. And she just found out that she is three months’ pregnant with your guess it, your second wife.
Tina: Let’s show Toby the sonogram.[Cut to a baby’s sonogram picture.]
Helen: Already a beauty.[Cut to Diana looking fierce] [Cut to Toby]
Toby: Um, quick question. Does the show provide an overnight lodge where I can stay indefinitely?[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Helen: No. But all today’s contestants are going home with a fabolous prize, [looking at the card] oh, a new Kayak.[Cut to Elane]
Elane: I know I shouldn’t but they’re so fun.[Cut to Tina and Helen]
Tina: Well, that’s all the time we hav.
Helen: Join us next time on…[Cut to the stage]
Meet Your Second Wife![The End]