Michael Keaton
Taran Killam
Bobby Moynihan
Jay Pharoah
[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, 1.
[1 walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]Michael Keaton: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks very much. Thanks. Thanks a lot. It’s so good to be back here. It’s been a long time since I’ve been hosting Saturday Night Live. The first time I hosted was way back in 1982.
[cheers and applause]I know. It’s a long time. I know. That’s pretty crazy. A lot has happened to me since then. Let’s see. I had a baby. [cheers and applause] She’s 31. I also have a new girlfriend. She’s 28. No, I’m kidding. I’m kidding.
[Taran and Bobby walk in laughing]Taran: Good one!
Bobby: Yeah. Sorry to interrupt Mr. Keaton.
Michael Keaton: Oh, that’s okay. You guys have been hanging out all week. You know, you can use my first name.
Bobby: Oh, okay. Thanks Batman.
Michael Keaton: No, no. Michael.
Bobby: Right. Michael. Look, we just wanted to say, it is really an honor to have you here.
Taran: Absolutely. Honestly, your movies are what made me wanna be an actor.
Michael Keaton: Oh, thank you very much. It’s so great.
Bobby: You’re welcome. We kind of have a favor to ask.
Michael Keaton: Right now?
Taran: Ya, ya, ya. It will only take a second. Music.
Michael Keaton: Music?
[background music playing]Taran: [singing] I was 7 years old, when just like that [snaps his fingers]
my whole world was set of blaze by man dressed as a bat
now he’s here in front of me, it’s a dream come true
and I’d never forgive myself, Michael, if I didn’t ask you
Michael Keaton: Ask what?
Taran and Bobby: Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?
come on up on the suit, we’ll be the villains at your pitan
it’s our real life fantasy, we don’t mean to be geeks
Michael Keaton: That’s too late.
Taran: But before you answer, you should know this
it was my birthday this week.
Michael Keaton: Oh, really? Well, happy birthday!
Taran: So you’ll do it?
Michael Keaton: No, no, no, no. I didn’t say that.
Taran: Okay. We understand. We don’t want to pressure you at all.
Michael Keaton: Thank you. Thank you.
[Jay walks in. He’s wearing half Batman and half Joker costume.]Jay: Bat dance!
Bobby: No!
Taran: [yelling] Jay, he just said no. Dammit Jay!
Bobby: [yelling] You’re embarrassing us in front of our hero, Jay. [Jay leaves] My, sorry about that.
Michael Keaton: Yeah, that’s alright.
Bobby: Where were we?
Bobby: I was an awkward teen, had trouble fitting in
I saw a man up on the screen, and I was a weirdo, just like him
you were the ghost with the most, motherflipping Beetlejuice
now you’re the host of the most, and I just need one thing from you
Michael Keaton: Yeah, I bet I know what that is.
Taran and Bobby: Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?
Michael Keaton: Ay, someone bring Lorne.
Taran and Bobby: We can write a sand word and our bond will only deepen
Never seen that world, it’s a best gift you could give
Bobby: It would mean so much to my parents
coz I got only six weeks to live
Michael Keaton: Oh, man! Really?
Bobby: I mean, it’s just a guess I’ve made based on the choices I’ve made.
Michael Keaton: Ya, ya. Alright, look. This is gonna sound harsh but, I don’t know. Guys. Taran, you’re what? 30?
Taran: Yeah.
Michael Keaton: Bobby, you’re… 60?
Bobby: Yeah, sure. ;.
Michael Keaton: Yeah. So, what do you think we just really focus on making tonight really good?
Taran: You’re right. You’re right.
Bobby: Absolutely.
[Jay walks in dancing dressed as Harry Belafonte.]Jay: Shake, shake, shake–
Taran: [yelling] Jay!
Bobby: [yelling] Why are you ruining this?
Taran: [yelling] We’re not doing that either, Jay.
Jay: [yelling] You guys told me to dress like this! Both of you!
[Jay leaves screaming]Michael Keaton: Wow.
Bobby: He was Harry Belafonte.
Michael Keaton: Yeah, I got that. Look, guys, I’m sorry. It’s just not gonna happen.
Taran: Well, it kind of already did. Roll the tape?
[Cut to Taran and Bobby dressed as Joker and Penguin.]Taran: Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Bobby: You dare throw out our plan?
Taran: Who do you think you are?
[Cut to 1 sitting on a sofa reading the script. A mask and a Batman suit is edited on him.] [Cut to Taran and Bobby in a graveyard. Bobby dressed as Otho and Taran dressed Delia Deetz]Taran: Otho, we’re trapped in this spooky place. We need to get out.
Bobby: Oh, Delia, I know just the thing.
Taran and Bobby: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice!
[Cut to 1 using his phone at the backstage of SNL. Beetlejuice clothes and hair are edited on him.] [Cut to 1, Taran and Bobby on SNL monologue set]Michael Keaton: Hey, yeah. That’s gotta be illegal.
Taran and Bobby: Right? Ha-ha-ha.
[singing] Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton? [Other members of SNL come in dancing wearing a Batman shirt.]Michael Keaton: I need to get out of here.
Taran and Bobby: Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?
Will you play Batman with us Michael Keaton?
Will you play Beetlejuice with us Michael Keaton?
Michael Keaton: [yelling] Alright!
[Cut to 1 zoomed into his face]I’m Batman!
[cheers and applause] [Cut to Taran, 1 and Bobby]And boys, it’s show time.
[cheers and applause] [Cut to everybody]We have a great show. Carly Rae Jepsen is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
