Microsoft Office Assistant


Kam… J.K. Simmons

Ruth… Aidy Bryant

Help pin… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an old couple in their house. Kam is using the laptop and Ruth is reading a book.]

Kam: Honey, I wanna write a letter to Phil.

Ruth: Well, then write the letter to Phil, Kam

Kam: What the heck do I click?

Ruth: Microsoft Word.
Kam: That means nothing to me.

Ruth: The big blue W.

Kam: Okay, I see it. Go back to your riveting book, Ruth. Okay, Dear Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: Looks like you’re writing a letter. Would you like some help with that?

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Ruth, there is an annoying little cartoon man on my screen.

Ruth: Well, that’s just the Office assistant. You know, I remember it used to be a paper clip. But now, it’s a push pin. Just ignore it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: My name’s pushy. If you need me, just click the push pin on your toolbar. Bye!

[3 leaves the screen dancing.] [Cut to Kam]

Kam: Okay, let’s see here. Happy birthday Phil.

[Cut to the laptop screen. MS Word is on and the help pin comes in dancing.]

Pushy: I noticed you repeated Phil in two consecutive sentences. Did you mean to do that?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Yes!

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Her’s a hint. To avoid repeat proper nouns, try replacing your second Phil with a new word. Like, Philly Cheese, Goof Troop or Captain Martinez. He-he-he-he-he.

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: How do I turn this guy off?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I heard replace all Phil with Goof Troop. Kabaam! [the name “Phil” changes to Goof Troop in MS Word.] What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: No, oh, my gosh! Dear Goof Troop, Happy birthday Goof Troop. What does that even mean?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like this is a birthday letter. Try sprucing it up with a fun border like balloons, presents. You selected birthday cake man!

[MS Word has birthday cake man border now.] [Cut to Kam]

Kam: I did not select anything you nitwit.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your border is in place. What else can I assist you with?

[Cut to Kam]

Kam: Ruth, this little red bastard is hijacking my letter.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: I see you font is set to Times New Roman. Try giving your letter a festive feel with a fun font like, Lucida Grande, Scribble Party, Helvetica Bonnam Carter. You select it just boxes!

[All the words in the MS Word turns into boxes.] [Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Just boxes? Ruth!

Ruth: Just let me finish this page.

Kam: What are you reading?

Ruth: Olivia Munn’s book.

Kam: Again?

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Your voice controls are on and I heard the phrase Olivia Munn. Would you like to replace your letter with a full screen picture of Olivia Munn? Okay, Kabaam!

[There is nothing but Olivia Munn’s picture in MS Word now.] [Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: No, I just wanna write a letter to my college buddy. Ruth! Will ya’ put down the darn book an assist me?

Ruth: Okay. [Ruth puts down the book and comes closer to Kam] You’re so tense, Kam. I don’t know. Just click ‘help’.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Looks like you need help. Type what you need in the search bar and Pushy will get right on it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth]

Kam: Disable Pushy.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: [disappointed] Oh, okay. So, it’s gonna be like that. Shoot! Um, sorry, I just wasn’t expecting this. Okay, um, just click on ‘tools’. Now, scroll down to ‘Pushy’. And in that sub-menu, there’s ‘Adjust Margins’, ‘Grammar and Spelling’ and if you click ‘Advance Options’ you’ll see ‘Murder Pushy’. So, click on that to end my life.

[Cut to Kam and. Ruth is crying.]

Kam: Stay out of this, Ruth.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ay, real quick. Pushy would like to access iTunes. Kabaam!

[Pushy plays a sad music]

Oopsie! [A picture of little girl red pin appears on MS Word] I accidentally selected a picture of my daughter. That’s Nora. She’s gonna be a beautiful bride someday.

Okay, I’m ready to be murdered now. So, voice controls are on. And all you gotta do is very clearly say, “Murder Pushy.” Come on, do it.

[Cut to Kam and Ruth. They are very emotional.]

What are you waiting for?

Kam: Murder– Darn it! I can’t do it.

[Cut to 3]

Pushy: Ah! I knew you couldn’t do it, coz you are a super cool dude!

[3 starts dancing]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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