Dadonk Fonten… J.K. Simmons
Aidy Bryant
Cecily Strong
Kate McKinnon
Venessa Bayer
[Starts with a clip of Cheetos Auditorium]
Male voice: Live form the Cheetos Auditorium, 20 minutes outside Vegas, it’s America’s favorite beauty pageant, ‘Miss Trash 2015’.
[Cut to the stage. Dadonk is the MC.]
Dadonk: It’s Miss Trash 2015. Hello and welcome. I’m your host Dadonk Fonten. This year we celebrated Miss American, Miss Universe, but tonight we crown the queen of the dump. The woman who is best at being the worst. So, without further due, let’s meet our contestants for Miss Trash 2015.
[Cut to Aidy dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]
First up, it’s Miss Trash Delaware. She has never had a sip of water. Last week she tried to join ISIS but they said, “No, thanks.” And this is interesting. She is deaf… initely not wearing any underwear.
Aidy: Oh, Hi Dadonk. My talents are banging dudes and being rude, and if I win, the first thing I’m gonna do is lay the hell down for a year! Aha-ha-ha-ha.
Dadonk: Gorgeous. Next up, please welcome Miss Trash California.
[Cut to Cecily dancing in to the stage. She’s is casually dressed.]
Her nickname in high school was Slime Bitch. She was once dragged behind a horse for 15 miles and she is the woman who fired shots outside Joe Biden’s house last week.
Cecily: Hi, Dadonk. I wanna be Miss Trash coz when I was young, I was boy like. And I’ve taken all that anger of resentment and let it make me insane. And my behavior’s really bad.
Dadonk: What a beautiful story. Our third finalist is Miss Trash New York.
[Cut to Kate dancing in to the stage. She is a bit well dressed than the ones before.]
She has graduated at doggie day care. Her friends describe her as Butter with Eyes. And you can’t see them but she currently has over 400 stitches.
Kate: Hi, Dadonk. I should be Miss Trash because I love to do charity. Last week, I cut my hair and gave it to Locks of Love. They used it to make three outdoor brooms.
Dadonk: Fantastic. And finally, Miss Trash Vermont.
[Cut to Venessa walking in nicely. She is wearing a nice dress and her hair is nicely done.]
She loves necklaces and her little dog, Harry.
Venessa: Um, I thought this was Miss America.
Dadonk: But, did you check the right box on the form? The boxes for Miss America and Miss Trash are very close. Almost looks like the same box, but they’re not.
Venessa: Oh, maybe I didn’t.
Dadonk: Too bad, now you’re trash. These women have been here all day, and believe it or not, they’ve already have complete makeovers.
[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa. Aidy, Cecily and Kate look untidy.]
We have the before pictures but the network won’t allow us to show them [Cut to Dadonk] because they’re the visual equivalent of the F word.
[Cut to Aidy, Cecily, Kate and Venessa]
[singing] Look in her eyes, there’s nothing inside
it’s Miss Trash 2015
[Cut to Dadonk]
Dadonk: Alright, it’s time for the question and answer round. Miss Trash California, you’re up first.
[Cecily walks in. She is dancing.]
Your question is, what is the biggest thing you’ve learned in your life?
Cecily: Okay, that if you work hard, you can achieve anything. Just today, my gynecologist told me I was accepted to UTI. And I’m so excited, my crotches are on fire!
[Cecily leaves]
Dadonk: That’s wonderful. Miss Trash Delaware.
[Aidy walks in]
Aidy: What?
Dadonk: Your question is, what are your thoughts on gay marriage?
Aidy: Um, I guess if that’s your thing, coo-coo-coo. But for me, marriage is all about putting that paintus into puti. Final answer.
[Aidy leaves]
Dadonk: Stunning. Miss Trash Vermont.
[Venessa walks in]
Your question, what is your one regret?
Venessa: Um, I guess I mostly regret ever making eye contact with Miss Trash Delaware.
[Aidy walks in again]
Aidy: Yeah! You’re my mommy now!
[Aidy pulls Venessa away]
Dadonk: And finally Miss Trash New York.
[Kate walks in]
What is the one piece of advice that you would give to young girls?
Kate: I would tell them just believe in yourselves. That’s why I got this tattoo. [Kate shows her tattoo. It says ‘BUTT’.] It says ‘believe’ in Chinese.
Dadonk: It says ‘BUTT’ in english.
Kate: Thank you.
[Kate leaves]
Dadonk: What an incredible group. It’s time for a commercial break now, but when we come back, we will finally crown Miss Trash 2015. As always, winner will be sent to the hospital and runners-up will be sent to prison.
[the contestants walk behind Dadonk]
[singing] Who will be first?
the best of the worst
it’s Miss Trash 2015
