Blake Shelton
Cook with a jug… Bobby Moynihan
Taran Killam
Jay Pharoah
[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]
[band is playing music one the stage]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Blake Shelton.
[Blake Shelton walks in and to the stage]
[cheers and applause]
Blake Shelton: Thank you! Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you. I am Blake Shelton. And yes, officer, I have been drinking. Now, for those of you who don’t know my work, I’m kind of like the Justin Bieber of country music. A little trouble making cutie.
I gotta say I do feel little bit like a fish out of water up here in New York city because, man, everything is so fancy. When I was growing up, the only comedy show I watched was Hee-Haw. And Hee-Haw was a variety show that was kind of like laughing meets deliverance. It was a little bit corny [country music starts playing] but I just loved it. [people wearing country dresses come behind him and someone hands him over the guitar.] And I thought, what a childhood. Oh, this is better already. We have a cook with a jug.
[Cook with a jug runs in]
Cook with a jug: I call this My Giggle Juice.
Blake Shelton: Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna do some old fashioned picking and grinning. All you gotta do is just play a little music and tell a little joke like this. Come on! Hee-Haw!
[country music playing]
[music stops]
Hey Taran!
Taran: Yeah, Blake.
Blake Shelton: I got food poisoning the other night.
Taran: Oh, no! What was wrong with the food?
Blake Shelton: My wife made it!
Taran: [laughing] That’s fun!
Blake Shelton: That’s Hee-Haw. That’s Hee-Haw. Come on, man! Here we go.
[country music playing. Taran walks away and Jay walks near Blake Shelton]
[music stops]
Blake Shelton: Hey, Jay. Did you hear about that big old fish I caught?
Jay: Yeah! Well, don’t give it to your wife. I hear her cooking sucks!
[Blake Shelton is confused and looks at Jay.]
Blake Shelton: Don’t say that about my wife, man!
[Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]
Leslie: May I be excused?
[Cut to Jay and Blake Shelton]
Blake Shelton: No, man! Hey, old Cook! Come down here. Let’s show them how it’s done. Come on, man. Here we go!
[country music playing. Jay walks away and Cook walks near Blake Shelton]
[music stops]
Cook: I had to take my sister out the other night.
Blake Shelton: Oh, what for?
Cook: Our anniversary.
Blake Shelton: Ha-ha-ha.
[Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]
Leslie: I do not like this!
[Cut to Blake Shelton and Cook]
Blake Shelton: You know what? Too bad!
[country music playing. Cook walks away and Pete walks near Blake Shelton]
[music stops]
Blake Shelton: So, Pete. I was at the saloon the other day.
Pete: Yeah, I know. While you were there I had sex with your sister.
[Blake Shelton looks confused.]
Blake Shelton: Dude, this isn’t a roast.
Pete: That’s what I said to your wife when she tried to make me dinner.
Blake Shelton: Come on, man! Nice country jokes. Come on, man! Come on!
[country music playing. Pete walks away and Cecily walks near Blake Shelton]
[music stops]
Blake Shelton: Hey, Cecily.
Cecily: Uh-huh?
Blake Shelton: My grandpa got his test results back.
Cecily: Oh, is he okay?
Blake Shelton: He’s great! He finally passed second grade!
[Blake Shelton and Cecily laugh]
[Cut to Cecily, Leslie and Venessa dressed as country girls]
Leslie: This is wrong!
[Cut to Blake Shelton and Cecily]
Blake Shelton: You know what? You freaking guys! [Cut to everybody] Just forget it man! Maybe this was a bad idea.
Taran: No, Blake. Blake, no! We wanna get it right. We got it! Give us one more chance. Nice country jokes.
Blake Shelton: Seriously?
Taran: Yeah!
Blake Shelton: Okay. Alright! Well, here it goes.
[Taran and Venessa sit by Blake Shelton’s side.]
Taran: Hey, Vanessa.
Vanessa: Yeah, Taran.
Taran: So, you know how Blake’s grand father is an idiot, right?
[Blake Shelton is getting angry]
Vanessa: Oh, yeah! The dummest.
Taran: So, the other day I was having sex with Blake’s sister.
Vanessa: Who hasn’t?
[Cut to Cecily and Leslie. Leslie is laughing hard.]
Leslie: Okay. Now, that’s funny! You are hilarious, Blake.
[Cut to Taran, Blake Shelton and Vanessa]
Blake Shelton: What? We did it! We made Leslie laugh! She’s laughing!
[country music playing. Everyone stands.]
[music stops]
Blake Shelton: Woo! We got a great show tonight, everybody. Stick around, we’ll be right back.
