Fred Armisen[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, J.K. Simmons.[J.K. Simmons walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]
J.K. Simmons: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m so excited to be here hosting Saturday Night Live. This has already been an amazing year for me. I was in a movie called ‘Whiplash’. [cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. I also played a blind lawyer in a show called ‘Growing Up Fisher’. [cheers and applause] Thank you, thank you. That was canceled. [audience laughing] And I was of course the voice of the yellow m&ms. So, I’m not sure which of those I’m here hosting because of. I guess it’s probably for Whiplash. It could be for those Farmers Insurance ads. Those are fun. [cheers and applause]
But I really loved being in Whiplash. It was a dream role. For those of you who have not seen the movie, I play a sort of mean intimidating band conductor who yells at his students a lot, but that’s not me in real life at all. I’m a nice guy. I got along great with the cast this week. In fact I became really good friends with Aidy and Kyle during the snowstorm. We all wrote a song together. [cheers and applause] [Kyle and Aidy are ready. Kyle is on drums and Aidy is on piano.]
Now, CNN said the storm was going to be a snow-pocalypse. I think we can all agree it turned out to be more of a no-pocalypse. Two, three, four.[Kyle starts playing drums]
Sorry Kyles, not my tempo.
J.K. Simmons: It’s all good. No worries. Let’s take it again. More of a no-pocalypse. Two, three, four…[Kyle starts playing drums]
It’s okay, it’s okay. I just really want this song to be great, okay? Here we go. More of a No-pocalypse. Ha-ha, two, three, four…
Dragging! Kyle! What is up? Come on! Can you just.. This is not your little weird videos, okay? This is the opening of the show. Can you get it together? Lose the Alf sweatshirt and goofy hair, okay? Get on my tempo.
Kyle: I think my hair’s gorgeous, but…[Cut to J.K. Simmons]
J.K. Simmons: I think all hair is ridiculous.[audience laughing]
Go, go, go![Kyle leaves]
Pete, come on, you’re up. Let’s go.
Okay, here we go. Turned out to be more of a no-pocalypse. Ha-ha two, three, four…[Pete plays different beat]
Let me ask you a question, Pete. Do you think you’re cute?
Pete: [smiling] I guess.
J.K. Simmons: Sure, all the girls love you coz you’re the SNL cutie pie, huh? You know what is not cute? [yelling] Sucking at the drums.
Pete: Come on, man!
J.K. Simmons: Maybe you could play on my tempo if you spend as much time practicing as you do smoking pot.
Pete: Oh, I’m not gonna practice 100 hours a week.[Pete leaves]
J.K. Simmons: Sorry for yelling. I just– I really want the song to be, you know, fun. It’s gonna be cute.[Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: This song is so great, Mr. Simmons.
J.K. Simmons: Okay. If I want you to kiss my ass, I’ll tell ya’. Get out![Cut to Aidy]
Aidy: I really miss Blake Shelton.[Aidy leaves]
J.K. Simmons: Leslie, come on. Get out here. Let’s go. You’re up.[Leslie comes in to play the drums]
Leslie: Ay man! You know, I hope I do well. I’m just gonna try to do the best for you.
J.K. Simmons: Okay, great! You coming at the end of four.
Leslie: End of what?
J.K. Simmons: Two, three, four…[Leslie just hits the drums randomly]
Stop! [yelling] Pathetic!
Leslie: [yelling] Ay! Do not scream at me J.K.! I’m a 47 year old woman. Do not do that. You need to pump your breaths, dude![Leslie leaves]
J.K. Simmons: Okay, alright, alright. Fair enough. Fair enough. Alright, who else we got? Anybody, come on![Fred comes in to play the drums] [cheers and applause]
Alright, can you just wipe the dumb smile off your face, Armisen? You’re not important anymore. This is New York city, you’re on SNL. Remember? You used to be on the show. I watched when you were on the show. You know who my favorite character was?
Fred: Who was that?
J.K. Simmons: Stefon.
Fred: You know, I have an idea. Maybe just be nice. Because, drumming should be fun. You know, and I think that you’re just a little sweetie. You know what? I’m gonna play something nice for this little sweetie. What do you think of that?[cheers and applause]
J.K. Simmons: I think it’s going to be terrible.
Fred: Okay, here we go.[Leslie starts playing drums. He is playing well.] [cheers and applause]
J.K. Simmons: Fred Armisen! We got a great show for you tonight. D’Angelo is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.[cheers and applause]