Reese Witherspoon
Evans… Kenan Thompson
Mr. Westerberg… Bobby Moynihan
Pete Davidson
Amy… Venessa Bayer
Louis… Beck Bennett
[Starts with people writing cards in Hallmark’s office.]
[Cut to Reese]
Reese: Hey guys, what do you think of a card that says, “Happy Mother’s Day, you raised me from a pup, maybe that’s why I’m such a dog.”
[Cut to Evans gesturing so so]
[Cut to Mr. Westerberg walking in]
Mr. Westerberg: Hey, guys. I know it’s been a long very busy week, but everyone needs to punch out at 5, okay? Not 4:59. Not 4:58. But 5! Okay?
[Mr. Westerberg leaves]
[Cut to the office staffs]
Pete: [mocking] Okay?
[the office staff are laughing]
Evans: It’s perfect Mr. Westerberg.
Amy: I can’t stand that guy. [mocking] Okay?
Reese: You can do things [mocking] my way or the highway.
Evans: [mocking] Evans, you’re always last to arrive and the first to leave.
Amy: [mocking] Amy, quit parking in my parking spot.
Reese: Yeah, exactly.
[Cut to Louis]
Louis: [mocking] Louis, pull down your pants and pull out that little thing. Now, let me grab it, who cares if my hands are cold.
[everyone are looking at Amy]
Reese: Does he really say that?
Louis: Yeah, I know. I’m not that good with the voice. But he’s always saying that, right?
[Mr. Westerberg walks in]
Mr. Westerberg: Hey, guys, before you leave tonight, everyone’s got a hand in their I17 forms. I don’t wanna have to tell you again. Okay?
[Mr. Westerberg leaves]
[Cut to the office staff]
Pete: [mocking] I drive a stupid car!
Evans: [mocking] My nose is too big for my face.
Louis: Nice!
Reese: [mocking] I only have two shirts. One with the ketchup stain, one with the mustard stain.
[Cut to Louis]
Louis: Yeah, yeah. [mocking] Louis, you stink. You got to take a bath. You get in there and clean yourself nice and good. [staff members are looking at Louis] And I’m gonna spank you to make sure you scrub every inch. Make sure you’re cleaned to my satisfaction.
Reese: He said that to you?
Louis: No, no. It’s just the kind of stuff he says to all of us.
Evans: Not really.
Reese: Yeah, he more just says stuff like, [mocking] “Time is money.”
Pete: [mocking] Punctuality is a sign of a good employee.
Reese: [mocking] It’s the third time you’ve been late this week. You know what that means.
[Cut to Louis]
Louis: [mocking] You gotta bang my wife live on the internet.
[other staffs are shocked]
Reese: What?
Louis: I’m just saying. His voice is usually like, [mocking] “Louis, try in these new pants I bought you. I’m gonna dress you cool. Now, take our pants off. I wanna see your huge butt. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, lift it up… drop it. Now, smush it together. I don’t wanna see any crack! Okay!” Freaking Mr. Westerberg. He’s actually pretty cool!
Reese: Louis, did Mr. Westerberg do those things to you?
Louis: Um, if he did, I can’t remember. [laughing]
Evans: Maybe we should just work on our cards.
[Mr. Westerberg comes in]
Mr. Westerberg: Hey, Louis! Can you see you in my office for a sec please?
[Cut to Louis]
Louis: Ouf! I know what this is about it!
[Louis goes to Mr. Westerberg’s office]
[The End]
