Greta Van Susteren… Kate McKinnon
Ted Cruz… Taran Killam
Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan
Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah[Starts with On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren intro]
Male voice: You’re watching On The Record W/ Greta Van Susteren.[Cut to Greta in her set]
Greta: Good evening, I’m Greta Van Susteren. Now, I’m gonna try this again now. She sells sea shells by the sea– no, I can’t do it. Tonight, Donald Trump has doubled down on his proposal to ban all Muslims from entering America. And some of them criticize the other GOP candidates for not condemning his comings more strongly. Joining me first in the studio is senator Ted Cruz.[Cut to Ted Cruz]
Ted Cruz: Hello Greta. Um, a friend of mine wanted to say hello to you. I think you’ve heard of him. He’s the US constitution.[Cut to Greta and Ted Cruz]
Greta: Okay, senator. A lot of GOP primary voters agree with Trump and you need those also. Will you go on the record and condemn what Mr. Trump said?
Ted Cruz: Well Greta, [Cut to Ted Cruz] I am not afraid to take a stand on this. When I heard Donald Trump’s comments on Muslims, I said, “Wow…”
Greta: And we’re talking ‘Wow’ like, “Wow, that’s crazy!’ or ‘wow’ like “Oh, that’s a good idea”?[Cut to Ted Cruz]
Ted Cruz: Exactly![Cut to Greta]
Greta: But Cruz, do you support ban on Muslims, yes or no?[Cut to Ted Cruz]
Ted Cruz: Well, put simply, nyes.[Cut to Greta]
Greta: Nyes? Is that no or a yes?[Cut to Ted Cruz]
Ted Cruz: [laughing] It is indeed.
Greta: Okay, we’re gonna come back to you senator. And joining us now via satellite is governor Chris Christie.[Cut to split screen of Chris Christie and Greta]
Chris Christie: Hey, how you doing?
Greta: Yea, governor Christie, your reaction?
Chris Christie: Alright, look. [Cut to Chris Christie] This guy Trump is a clown, okay? He’s a total joke. The last thing anyone wants is some loud mouth bully from the tri-state area who hearls insult of people like a fat headed jabroni. Greta, look, I wanna make a very clear distinction. When Mr. Trump insults Muslims, those are not the values of the republican party. They’re simply the values of people who vote for the republican party. So in that sense and in that sense only, go Trump![Cut to Chris Christie and Greta]
Greta: Ya, but you don’t think we should block Muslims from entering?
Chris Christie: Yea. What we need to do is build a bridge between Muslims and Americans. [Cut to Chris Christie] Okay? But we have to make that bridge really hard to cross. You know? Like, really slow down the flow of traffic on the bridge until that son of a bitch for Fort Lee gets the message.
Greta: Okay. Finally, joining us from his campaign White Quarters in Virginia, Dr. Ben Carson.[Cut to split screen between Ben Carson and Greta]
Ben Carson: Hi, Greta. I just drank a Redbull and I am fired up about this. [Cut to Ben Carson] But first, can I just ask, what happened to me? I mean, when I left for the Middle East, I was tied for number one in the polls. When I came back a week later, everyone had forgotten about me. My campaign headquarters got cleared out and they’re turning it into an office for DraftKings.com. I mean, did I winkle myself? Have I been asleep for years?[Cut to Ben Carson and Greta]
Greta: You have fallen quite a bit in the polls. And it seems like some are now questioning your foreign policy experience.
Ben Carson: Listen, but that’s why I went to visit the lovely country of Jordans.
Ben Carson: I met with the Sheits and the Heits.
Greta: That’s alright.
Ben Carson: And I talk to them all about radical groups. Humus, ISIS, even Outgator.
Greta: Oh, no. So, you think we should hit ISIS head on.[Cut to Ben Carson]
Ben Carson: That’s right. Head on. Which is always also the first rule of brain surgery. Always leave the head on.
Greta: Well, that’s all the time we have. It seems like no one was willing to stand up to Mr. Trump and offer a full condemnation.[Cut to Ted Cruz]
Ted Cruz: Did you say constitution?[Cut to Greta]
Greta: No. I said condemnation.[Cut to Ted Cruz]
Ted Cruz: Oh, well you’re absolutely right, Greta. This is not a condom nation. This is a Christian nation.[Cut to Greta]
Greta: Oh my gosh, my soul hurts. For On The Record, I’m Greta Van Susteren.