Blake Shelton
Wallace Redding… Kenan Thompson
Bobby Moynihan
Cecily Strong
[Starts with a clip of a room in prison. Parole board is asking questions to Wallace Redding.]Blake: Our next prisoner is Wallace Redding. Mr. Redding, we see by your file you’ve served 40 years of a life sentence.
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: That’s right, sir.
[Cut to everybody]Blake: Let me ask you, do you feel you have been rehabilitated?
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: Rehabilitated? Hah! That’s a funny question. I don’t believe I know the meaning of that word. Is the man who walked into this prison 40 years ago the same man you see before you? Absolutely not. Am I a saint? No. Just a man. A man who paid his debt to society. But no matter what your decision is today. I’ll accept it. For I know in the eyes of the lord, I am a free man. Free from cell, I humbly await your answer.
[Cut to Blake, Bobby and Cecily]Blake: No, hell no! You ate a man.
Cecily: You’re the Texas man gobbler. We’d be insane if we let you out.
Bobby: Yeah, you are never getting out of here.
[Cut to Blake]Blake: If there were no cameras in this room, I would kill you myself you sick son of a bitch.
[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]Cecily: The answer is no.
Bobby: A fat no.
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: Well, I don’t expect you to come up with an answer right now. But for any of you folks who are on the fence, I have taken a hard look at my life. The things I’ve done. The things I–
Bobby: Shut up!
[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]No one is on the fence. You just ate a guy in prison last week. A new guy.
Cecily: You ate a whole guy, man! All that was left was just empty clothes and his hair. That’s like a magic trick.
[Cut to Blake]Blake: This is a decision of whether or not you get the chair. And you do. You absolutely do.
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: I know you have a lot to discuss. The truth gets hazy inside the bin. Did I eat those people? Yes, I did. Did I enjoy it? Immensely. Would I do it again? Point me towards a homeless shelter. So whether you set me free or not, or whether I stay in here, either way I’m going to eat another man. Now, I can’t make your decision for you.
[Cut to Cecily]Cecily: You don’t need to. It’s been made. You’re never getting out.
Blake: Do you honestly feel no remorse for what you’ve done?
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: Of course I do. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, but for what I was. A young stupid kid who committed that horrible crime. I wanna find that kid, talk to him. Try to talk sense into him. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Grab him by the neck, bite him. Take a little nibble out of his arm and nibble out of that corner of of the cob, nom-nom-nom-nom.
[Cut to Blake]Blake: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you saying you want to eat your younger self?
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: Does that make me rehabilitated? Yes, it does. I suppose you’re right. I’ll be on my way.
[Wallace tries to walk out of it] [Cut to everybody]Cecily: No, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.
Wallace: Well, before you answer, let me just say one thing.
[Cut to Blake]Blake: We already answered. No, dude!
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: Now, whether I walk out of this prison a free man or not.
[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]Cecily: Not! Not! You’re not walking out of here.
Bobby: Yes, at this point you should only be thinking about what you want for your last meal.
Wallace: A man.
[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]Cecily: Sorry?
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: For my last meal. One man please.
[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]Cecily: No!
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: Two boys?
Cecily: No!
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: Okay, fine! One boy.
[Cut to Blake]Blake: No!
[Cut to Wallace]Wallace: Fine. Shake shack.
[Cut to the ending clip of sea beach]Wallace narrating: That was he day I escaped from prison and I met up with my good friend Andy in Zihuatanejo. We watched the sunset, had a couple of beers, and when he was good and drunk, I ate him.
