Parole Board

5
(1)

Blake Shelton

Wallace Redding… Kenan Thompson

Bobby Moynihan

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of a room in prison. Parole board is asking questions to Wallace Redding.]

Blake: Our next prisoner is Wallace Redding. Mr. Redding, we see by your file you’ve served 40 years of a life sentence.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: That’s right, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Blake: Let me ask you, do you feel you have been rehabilitated?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Rehabilitated? Hah! That’s a funny question. I don’t believe I know the meaning of that word. Is the man who walked into this prison 40 years ago the same man you see before you? Absolutely not. Am I a saint? No. Just a man. A man who paid his debt to society. But no matter what your decision is today. I’ll accept it. For I know in the eyes of the lord, I am a free man. Free from cell, I humbly await your answer.

[Cut to Blake, Bobby and Cecily]

Blake: No, hell no! You ate a man.

Cecily: You’re the Texas man gobbler. We’d be insane if we let you out.

Bobby: Yeah, you are never getting out of here.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: If there were no cameras in this room, I would kill you myself you sick son of a bitch.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: The answer is no.

Bobby: A fat no.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Well, I don’t expect you to come up with an answer right now. But for any of you folks who are on the fence, I have taken a hard look at my life. The things I’ve done. The things I–

Bobby: Shut up!

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

No one is on the fence. You just ate a guy in prison last week. A new guy.

Cecily: You ate a whole guy, man! All that was left was just empty clothes and his hair. That’s like a magic trick.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: This is a decision of whether or not you get the chair. And you do. You absolutely do.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: I know you have a lot to discuss. The truth gets hazy inside the bin. Did I eat those people? Yes, I did. Did I enjoy it? Immensely. Would I do it again? Point me towards a homeless shelter. So whether you set me free or not, or whether I stay in here, either way I’m going to eat another man. Now, I can’t make your decision for you.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: You don’t need to. It’s been made. You’re never getting out.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Do you honestly feel no remorse for what you’ve done?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Of course I do. Not a day goes by that I don’t feel regret. Not because I’m in here, but for what I was. A young stupid kid who committed that horrible crime. I wanna find that kid, talk to him. Try to talk sense into him. Grab him by the shoulders and shake him. Grab him by the neck, bite him. Take a little nibble out of his arm and nibble out of that corner of of the cob, nom-nom-nom-nom.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you saying you want to eat your younger self?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Does that make me rehabilitated? Yes, it does. I suppose you’re right. I’ll be on my way.

[Wallace tries to walk out of it] [Cut to everybody]

Cecily: No, that’s the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Well, before you answer, let me just say one thing.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: We already answered. No, dude!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Now, whether I walk out of this prison a free man or not.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Not! Not! You’re not walking out of here.

Bobby: Yes, at this point you should only be thinking about what you want for your last meal.

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: A man.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: Sorry?

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: For my last meal. One man please.

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Two boys?

[Cut to Bobby and Cecily]

Cecily: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Okay, fine! One boy.

[Cut to Blake]

Blake: No!

[Cut to Wallace]

Wallace: Fine. Shake shack.

[Cut to the ending clip of sea beach]

Wallace narrating: That was he day I escaped from prison and I met up with my good friend Andy in Zihuatanejo. We watched the sunset, had a couple of beers, and when he was good and drunk, I ate him.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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