Interviewer… Taran Killam
Peter… Kyle Mooney[Starts with Fifty Shades of Grey press room. Dakota is doing an interview.]
Dakota: The franchise has such a dedicated fan base. So, I really wanted to make sure I did the character justice.
Interviewer: Oh, great! Great! That’s just great. Well, you can for this tomorrow in the Detroit Free press.[Interviewer smiles and leaves] [Kate walks to Dakota]
Dakota: Oh, my god! I hate these things. Please tell me that was the last one.
Kate: Dakota, you’re doing great! I promise you’re gonna like this next one. He’s a student at Franklin Middle School. Peter, you can come in.[Cut to Peter walking in. He is dressed geeky.]
Peter: Hi, Dakota. Oh, my name is Peter Scholfinly and I always get the scoop. Especially if it’s icecream.
Dakota: [laughing] Oh, my god. You’re so sweet.
Kate: Peter writes a showbiz column for the Franklin flyer. And, um, here he’s got some questions about what it’s like being a real movie star.
Dakota: Alright, just go easy on me.[Cut to Peter]
Peter: Of course, of course. Well, let’s jump right in. So, in your new movie, there’s a lot of kissing. Was it gross?[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: [laughing] Well, Pete, when you’re making a movie, the secret is to remember that it’s all pretend.[Cut to Peter]
Peter: Got it. Acting equals pretending. Now, in the film, during one of your first violent sexual encounters with Kristen Grey, he ties you to a bed, removes your blouse and blindfolds you. Right?
Dakota: Yeah![Cut to Peter]
Peter: He then uses an ice cube to trace along the body of your curves pausing at your exposed breasts. I gotta ask. Was it cold?[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: Um, yeah, it was cold.[Cut to Peter]
Peter: This is a great stuff. Ice cube was cold. Moving on…[Cut to Dakota and Kate]
Kate: Peter, have you seen the movie?[Cut to Peter]
Peter: Yes, but I might have a bit of a time crisis, so let’s limit the interruptions.
Now, when Kristen shows you his playroom for the first time, you asked if there was an Xbox in there. I gotta ask. Does your character play video games?[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: [laughing] That’s a good question. I don’t think she does.[Cut to Peter]
Peter: Alright. She prefers twisted games of sexual pain and domination.[Cut to Dakota and Kate]
Kate: Okay, Peter. I don’t think this is appropriate subject matter for your school paper.[Cut to Peter]
Peter: Actually, that’s something for my editor to decide. So, you mind getting me a water?
Dakota: Oh, my!
Peter: Thank you so much.[Kate leaves to get water.] [Cut to Peter]
Peter: Ms. Johnson, to be totally honest, what I really wanna know is how do I talk to the girls in my class?[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: Oh![Cut to Peter]
Peter: [continuing the same question] …into choking me hard while I wear a human pony harness?
Dakota: Oh, my! I don’t think I can answer any more question. How were you even allowed to see this movie?[Cut to Peter]
Peter: My dad took me last Friday. And on Saturday. And three times on Sunday. It’s his favorite movie.[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: [speechless] Oh![Cut to Peter]
Peter: Because of artists like you, my father and I get to have a little bit of time together. Well, anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.[cut to Dakota and Peter]
Dakota: No, Peter. It’s okay. Why don’t we just finish the interview?
Peter: You mean it?
Dakota: Yeah, absolutely.
Peter: Wow, okay. [Cut to Peter] Now, in the book, um, Anastasia says, I’m paraphrasing here, “I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat. He’s my very own Kristen Grey flavored popsicle.”[Cut to Dakota looking speechless] [Cut to Peter]
Like I said, I love popsicles. What’s your favorite dessert?[Cut to Dakota looking speechless]
Dakota: I guess, I like pie.[Cut to Peter]
Peter: Hmm, delicious! My readers will love–[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: Okay, well, Peter, I wish you the best of luck. And it was so nice to meet such a curious young man.[Cut to Peter]
Peter: Wait, I almost forgot. I end all my interviews with this question. Woody or Buzz Lightyear?[Cut to Dakota]
Dakota: Um, probably Buzz, I guess.[Cut to Peter]
Peter: I knew it, Ms. Johnson. I think you’re really gonna like this piece.[Cut to a news paper article with the topic, “I had sex with Buzz”. It has photos of Dakota Johnson and Buzz from Toy Story.]