Temora Stans… Taraji P. Henson
Claudette Fontaine… Kate McKinnon
Blayah… Aidy Bryant
Rick Warson…. Bobby Moynihan
[Starts with QVC intro]
Female voice: You’re watching QVC, which means you’re a cat who’s owner’s at work. Hi little guy!
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: Well, hello everyone. I’m Temora Stans and I was born right here on this very set. Now, our guest today is a legendary actress, singer and as of last Thursday, she’s a designer. Please welcome Claudette Fontaine.
[Claudette walks in]
Claudette: Oh, splash! Splash! Here I am. Thank you so much for having me. I won’t forget it. Thank you so much.
Temora: Okay. Now, you have a new item for us today. it’s called the 3-way poncho, is that right?
Claudette: Yeah, that’s correct. No woman of a certain age wants to be boxed in by a business shirts. So, I thought, you know, what’s the loosest thing you can wear? What’s perfectly elegant but also very, very loose. So, 3-way poncho.
Temora: Oh! Now, I’m just dying to see that poncho. Let’s bring out the mode.
[Blayah walks in wearing a huge red 3-way poncho.]
Claudette: Yes, lets get her out. This is Blayah. [Cut to Claudette and Blayah] Now, Blayah is wearing my 3-way ponchos in curtain red.
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: Ah! This is just gorgeous. Can Blayah show us the 3 ways?
[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]
Claudette: Yes, of course. Now, the first way is the way it is now. Isn’t she so elegant? Look at her. She’s a perfect square.
[Cut to all]
Temora: Absolutely, I love it. And now, let’s see the second way.
Claudette: Okay, here it is.
[Blayah pulls the poncho a little bit down on her left shoulder]
Temora: Wow, down on the shoulder.
Claudette: Now, could’t you just– It’s gotta sear the Oscars at the very end of an inmemoriam real.
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: I could, I could. And now, let’s see the third way.
[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]
Claudette: Yeah, the third way.
[Claudette looks around thinking]
Phew! It’s just kind of went like right out of my head! What is that pesky third way? Oh, I remember it. It’s up! [gestures Blayah to pull the poncho up on her shoulder again] Up that way. That’s the third way.
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: No, no, no. I think that was the first way.
[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]
Claudette: Ah! You’re right, you’re right. Well, we’re gonna run through them again. We got up! And then we got off the shoulder. And that’s 3, ya?
[Cut to all]
Temora: Uh, that’s two.
Claudette: Oh, darling, darling. What the heck is that third way?
Temora: Blayah, why don’t you try to figure it out while we take a call? Viewer, you’re on with Claudette .
Caller: Hi, Claudette, my name is Rachel.
[Cut to Claudette]
Claudette: Oh, hello Emily.
Caller: No, it’s Rachel.
Claudette: Oh, I love ya’, Emily. And I won’t ever forget you. I won’t!
Caller: Okay. Um, I’m calling because I ordered a 3-way poncho and it was shipped to me without a box. It was just left on my lawn in a little bowl.
Claudette: Oh, I’m so glad you got it. Bye bye, Emily.
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: Alright, and it looks like Blayah has figured out the third way to wear the poncho.
[Cut to Claudette and Blayah. Blayah is covering her face with the front part of the poncho.]
Claudette: Blayah, honey, that can’t be it, coz how are you gonna see or eat?
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: Is the third way… Well, if she puts her legs through the arm holes, so it will be up side down like a pant.
[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]
Claudette: That’s it. That’s the third way. Yes! [Blayah is opening the poncho.] Oh, wait, because then her crutor could be poken up through the net.
Temora: Oh, no, no.
Claudette: No, I’m not pervert. What is that ding-ding third way?
Temora: Okay, let’s take another call. Viewer, you’re on with Claudette Fontaine/
[Cut to Claudette]
Caller: Hi Claudette, my name is Amy.
Claudette: Hi, Lisa. Lisa, you’re shooting star. Kill anyone for you.
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now, how do you like your 3 way poncho?
[Cut to Claudette]
Caller: Well, I also had a problem with shipping. I did receive a box, but there was no poncho inside. Just a small dog.
Claudette: Oh, that’s my dog Kiko. I was wondering where she went. Keep her. Oh, bye-bye, Michelle. Thank you so much.
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: Now, Claudette, you have also designed a fabulous necklace. [Cut to all] Why don’t you tell us about that?
Claudette: Of course, I will. Yes. I will tell the 10-way necklace.
[Cut to Blayah. She is wearing a necklace.]
Now, this is a gorgeous sapphire pendant. [Claudette is touching Blayah’s neck and face very hardly.] And the first way is, you hang it like this. You hand it and it’s a necklace.
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: Just so beautiful. And what’s the second way?
[Cut to Claudette]
Claudette: Dang it! What is that second way? Oh, never mind. It’s just a necklace. Woo!
[Cut to Temora]
Temora: Okay. Well, that’s all the time we have with Claudette Fontaine. Next we have Rick Warson. He’s 75 years old and he’s the inventor of the world’s cheapest ladder.
[Cut to Rick with his ladder behind him]
He’s gonna climb it live when we come back right after this. Only on QVC.
Claudette: Bye guys.
[End]
