Temora Stans… Taraji P. Henson

Claudette Fontaine… Kate McKinnon

Blayah… Aidy Bryant

Rick Warson…. Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with QVC intro]

Female voice: You’re watching QVC, which means you’re a cat who’s owner’s at work. Hi little guy!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Well, hello everyone. I’m Temora Stans and I was born right here on this very set. Now, our guest today is a legendary actress, singer and as of last Thursday, she’s a designer. Please welcome Claudette Fontaine.

[Claudette walks in]

Claudette: Oh, splash! Splash! Here I am. Thank you so much for having me. I won’t forget it. Thank you so much.

Temora: Okay. Now, you have a new item for us today. it’s called the 3-way poncho, is that right?

Claudette: Yeah, that’s correct. No woman of a certain age wants to be boxed in by a business shirts. So, I thought, you know, what’s the loosest thing you can wear? What’s perfectly elegant but also very, very loose. So, 3-way poncho.

Temora: Oh! Now, I’m just dying to see that poncho. Let’s bring out the mode.

[Blayah walks in wearing a huge red 3-way poncho.]

Claudette: Yes, lets get her out. This is Blayah. [Cut to Claudette and Blayah] Now, Blayah is wearing my 3-way ponchos in curtain red.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ah! This is just gorgeous. Can Blayah show us the 3 ways?

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yes, of course. Now, the first way is the way it is now. Isn’t she so elegant? Look at her. She’s a perfect square.

[Cut to all]

Temora: Absolutely, I love it. And now, let’s see the second way.

Claudette: Okay, here it is.

[Blayah pulls the poncho a little bit down on her left shoulder]

Temora: Wow, down on the shoulder.

Claudette: Now, could’t you just– It’s gotta sear the Oscars at the very end of an inmemoriam real.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: I could, I could. And now, let’s see the third way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Yeah, the third way.

[Claudette looks around thinking]

Phew! It’s just kind of went like right out of my head! What is that pesky third way? Oh, I remember it. It’s up! [gestures Blayah to pull the poncho up on her shoulder again] Up that way. That’s the third way.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: No, no, no. I think that was the first way.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: Ah! You’re right, you’re right. Well, we’re gonna run through them again. We got up! And then we got off the shoulder. And that’s 3, ya?

[Cut to all]

Temora: Uh, that’s two.

Claudette: Oh, darling, darling. What the heck is that third way?

Temora: Blayah, why don’t you try to figure it out while we take a call? Viewer, you’re on with Claudette .

Caller: Hi, Claudette, my name is Rachel.

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Oh, hello Emily.

Caller: No, it’s Rachel.

Claudette: Oh, I love ya’, Emily. And I won’t ever forget you. I won’t!

Caller: Okay. Um, I’m calling because I ordered a 3-way poncho and it was shipped to me without a box. It was just left on my lawn in a little bowl.

Claudette: Oh, I’m so glad you got it. Bye bye, Emily.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Alright, and it looks like Blayah has figured out the third way to wear the poncho.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah. Blayah is covering her face with the front part of the poncho.]

Claudette: Blayah, honey, that can’t be it, coz how are you gonna see or eat?

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Is the third way… Well, if she puts her legs through the arm holes, so it will be up side down like a pant.

[Cut to Claudette and Blayah]

Claudette: That’s it. That’s the third way. Yes! [Blayah is opening the poncho.] Oh, wait, because then her crutor could be poken up through the net.

Temora: Oh, no, no.

Claudette: No, I’m not pervert. What is that ding-ding third way?

Temora: Okay, let’s take another call. Viewer, you’re on with Claudette Fontaine/

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Hi Claudette, my name is Amy.

Claudette: Hi, Lisa. Lisa, you’re shooting star. Kill anyone for you.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Now, how do you like your 3 way poncho?

[Cut to Claudette]

Caller: Well, I also had a problem with shipping. I did receive a box, but there was no poncho inside. Just a small dog.

Claudette: Oh, that’s my dog Kiko. I was wondering where she went. Keep her. Oh, bye-bye, Michelle. Thank you so much.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Now, Claudette, you have also designed a fabulous necklace. [Cut to all] Why don’t you tell us about that?

Claudette: Of course, I will. Yes. I will tell the 10-way necklace.

[Cut to Blayah. She is wearing a necklace.]

Now, this is a gorgeous sapphire pendant. [Claudette is touching Blayah’s neck and face very hardly.] And the first way is, you hang it like this. You hand it and it’s a necklace.

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Just so beautiful. And what’s the second way?

[Cut to Claudette]

Claudette: Dang it! What is that second way? Oh, never mind. It’s just a necklace. Woo!

[Cut to Temora]

Temora: Okay. Well, that’s all the time we have with Claudette Fontaine. Next we have Rick Warson. He’s 75 years old and he’s the inventor of the world’s cheapest ladder.

[Cut to Rick with his ladder behind him]

He’s gonna climb it live when we come back right after this. Only on QVC.

Claudette: Bye guys.



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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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