Ryan Gosling
Laura Sumner… Cecily Strong
Jerry… Bobby Moynihan
Trevor… Kyle Mooney
[Starts with a Ryan and Laura in a bar in Cornwall, Ontario]Ryan: So, yea, this is the bar where I had my first legal beer. But, I may have slipped a couple before that. You know what I mean? [whispering] You can write that down.
Laura: [laughing] Okay. Your hometown is perfect for the stories. Readers are gonna love to know what it was like growing up Gosling.
Ryan: Well, you know, I’m an open book.
[Jerry comes in]Jerry: Hey, glad you’re back Ryan. The Notebook is like, one of my favorite movies. Don’t tell my buddies though.
Ryan: Really?
Jerry: Yeah, seriously. Don’t tell them.
Ryan: Okay.
Jerry: Anyway, look, um, these are from the guy at the end of the bar over there.
[Cut to Trevor. He is waving at Ryan.] [Cut to everybody]Ryan: Oh, god!
Laura: What’s wrong?
Ryan: Oh, it’s this guy Trevor I went to school with.
Trevor: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If it isn’t the little bitch I used to beat up in high school. Cryan Ryan Gosling. And who do we have here?
Ryan: [clears throat] Trevor, this is Laura Sumner.
Laura: Pleasure. I am writing an article on Ryan for GQ.
Trevor: Oh, Mr. Hotshot here is gonna be a little cover clown boy. Anyway, you’re not nervous about Tammy typewriter discovering some old secrets, are you?
Laura: Oh, I love secrets.
Ryan: Come on, Trevor. Now now.
Trevor: What’s the matter? Embarrassed Mr. Melody can’t quite hit the high notes anymore.
Laura: Did you sing growing up? Is it?
Ryan: Yeah, little bit. I don’t know. Yeah. I– just, please don’t do this Trevor.
Trevor: Oh, come on. I’m sure pretty pencil here would love to see you put on a little show for us. Hey, Jerry, why don’t you put on C-14.
[Cut to Jerry]Jerry: You got this, Ryan!
Ryan: I really don’t wanna do this.
[music playing] [Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]Ryan: [singing] No, no, no, no way
No, no, no, no way
I’m living without you
[Cut to Trevor. He shuts the music off.]Trevor: Boring!
When we don’t we put ourselves to sleep, we’d watch your movies. But let’s face it. We only watch the trailers.
[Cut to Jerry]Jerry: Hey, you’re making us proud, Ryan.
[Cut to Laura]Laura: Very impressive voice.
[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]Trevor: Oh, you like being impressed, huh? Well, crying Ryan here wasn’t just a sally song stress. He also used to dance around like a Tari-tu-tu.
[Cut to Ryan]Ryan: He’s trying to say that I used to dance when I was a kid. I was a child dancer.
Laura: Oh, you know what? This is great stuff.
[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]Trevor: You know what else would be great? If Ryan put on a special residal for our little Nancy newspaper.
Laura: Oh! GQ is a magazine.
Trevor: And maybe the whole bar would like to see that too.
Ryan: You know what? Fine! Alright? Hey, Jerry, can you throw on B-26?
[Cut to Jerry]Jerry: Yeah, B-26, of course.
[music playing] [Cut to Ryan. He starts to dance. Two other girls start dancing with him.] [cheers and applause] [Trevor walks in laughing]Trevor: Did everybody see that? A dancing boy? What’s next? You’re gonna put on a skirt and make us a breakfast? Right?
[Everybody is ignoring Trevor] [Cut to Laura and Jerry]Laura: My god, Ryan, you were amazing.
[Cut to Ryan and Trevor]Ryan: Okay, you know, I think we should just go. It was nice running into each other.
[Ryan and Laura are walking]Trevor: Leaving so soon? I thought we get to see all our friend. Scrony Iony.
Laura: Did you use to be skinny?
Ryan: I guess. I was smaller, yeah.
[Cut to Trevor]Trevor: This guy was a toothpick. Still is, if you asked me. I bet he wish he could look like this. [Opens his shirt] [audience laughing] [Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor. Ryan is laughing from the inside.]
Ryan: What are you doing?
Trevor: We’re taking off our shirts to compare our bodies.
[cheers and applause]Ryan: I really do not want to do this, okay?
[Cut to Trevor]Trevor: You’re not better than me. I can dance. [Trevor starts dancing horribly.] [Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor.]
I can sing too. [Trevor starts singing horribly] [Trevor starts crying]
Ryan: It’s okay, man. It’s okay to cry. That takes guts.
Trevor: I just miss your around here, Ryan.
Laura: I think I got my cover story.
[Cut to GQ magazine front page with Ryan and Trevor’s picture. The title says, ‘Ryan Gosling has lame friends’.] [The End]