Smart Home

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Cecily Strong

Michael Keaton

Venessa Bayer

Kate McKinnon

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a husband and wife in their house.]

Cecily: Oh, honey. I’m beginning to think our new neighbors aren’t gonna show up at our get together today.

Michael: Well, that’s surprising. You don’t think they want to get to know us?

Cecily: Well, let me just check outside the door, just in case.

[Cecily opens the door. There are few people outside the door.]

Oh, well. Honey, look. They’re all standing right out here. Now, were you all afraid to knock?

Venessa: Hi there, we’ve been ringing the bell.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Oh! That’s right. Our doorbell is currently disabled. And we’re in the process of turning our house into a smart-house.

[Cut to Cecily and the others]

Cecily: That’s right. Come on in. Welcome.

[The neighbors walk in]

Kate: Well, a smart-house? You know, that sounds so neat. What’s that intel?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: My husband is a professor. He’s great at science. Can I show them the toaster prototype?

Michael: Well, sure, sweetie. You got it going like this.

[Cecily brings in a red toaster. It looks really nice.]

Okay, now. This is a smart-toaster

[Cut to the neighbors.]

Beck: It don’t look any different from a regular toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Good eye. Great observation. He hasn’t added science to it yet.

Michael: Yeah, but once I do, it will be able to roll out to meet me wherever I am. And then it’ll use it’s rockets to shoot up and hover at eye level, to receive the toast.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kyle: Oh, okay. A floating toaster.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Absolutely. And that’s not all. It will use percent to tell us how toasted your toast is. Like, it will say, “Mrs. Croford, your toast is 84% toasted.” And it will have human eyes to stare at you while it says that. Honey, turn it around so that they can see the eyes.

Michael: Sure.

[Michael turns the toaster around. It has two eyeballs.]

Now, there are just placed here until I’m able to connect the human eyes to it.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Oh, how nice.

Venessa: Oh, well, isn’t that something.

Kate: We should probably be going. We left our baby in a tub.

Kyle: That’s right. Um, we were giving our baby a bath.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, hang on. Just first listen to this other thing. [Cut to everyone] This is gonna be our smart couch.

Michael: Yeah, once I have it scienced to it, of course.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Oh, honey. They know that. Now, the idea here is that the smart couch will recognize you from your sitting on it.

Michael: Yeah. Now, how much do you think that’ll work? You, answer.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: Um, I guess the couch recognizes your weight or something.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Ah! Wrong guess.

Cecily: Yes, exactly. Wrong guess. Every time you sit down, a small tube will go up into your back side to get to know you.

Michael: Yeah. All of our back side interiors are unique. Like, a thumbprint, or a snowflake.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: I don’t think I would like that.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: You’re telling me you wouldn’t like a couch that called you by your name?

Michael: I bet they’re worried about that tube that goes up inside.

Cecily: Oh, yeah. We’ve heard that before.

Michael: Yeah, tube isn’t that big. You shouldn’t notice it.

Cecily: No, it’s like a sports bottle straw, if you’re familiar.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: That still seems pretty intrusive.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Because it will have eyes on it, so it can see where it’s going.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: So, do you have to sit on the couch naked?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: [laughing] My word, no. Can you imagine? The tube is sharp enough so that it will go straight through your pants.

Michael: And as it comes back out, it secretes a small amount of pants glue to seal up the hole it made. Would you like for us to pretend to do it?

[Cut to the neighbors]

Venessa: Pretend to do what?

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Cecily: Well, sit on the couch and have the tube recognize us, of course.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: No. I think we–

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: No, no. Now, remember, I haven’t put any science on it yet. So, this is all still pretending.

[Cecily starts acting]

Cecily: Oh boy, have I had the day! I’m gonna sit on this couch and relax.

[Cecily sits on the couch]

Michael: Uh-huh! At this point a tube will come up.

[Michael pulls up a rod through the couch. It has eyes stuck to it as well.]

It will push in like this. Now, imagine, my wife sitting on this tube. It will look around, you know, to recognize it from the inside.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Oh, sweet reesy peesy.

Venessa: That’s bigger than a sports drink straw.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: [pretending to be the smart couch] Well, hello there Mrs. Croford. I recognize you from your inside.

Cecily: Oh! Isn’t that nice. I don’t feel a thing.

Michael: Well, that’s coz my tube has human eyes and it knows right where to go.

Cecily: Hey, my pants are gonna be all cut up from you, will they?

Michael: Definitely not. Just provide me 25 minutes to heat up my pants glue. Would you like me to begin that process now?

Cecily: Sure, I’ll sit here very still for 20 minutes while you heat that glue.

[Cut to the neighbors]

Kate: Now, we really do need to go. All of us at once.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael: Alright, alright! But hey, before you go, would you mind signing these non-disclosure agreement?

Cecily: You understand. It’s all patent pending.

Cut to the neighbors]

Beck: This says we agree to kill ourselves together.

[Cut to Cecily and Michael]

Michael: Oh, man! Smart printer printed them wrong form.

Cecily: Alright. Well, just a second, guys. Let me get the printer tube.

[Cecily pulls out a large pipe with eyes]

Now, you won’t feel this. Who wants to go first?

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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