Nat… Cecily Strong
Carolyn… Aidy Bryant
Merilyn… Kate McKinnon
Terilyn… Leslie Jones
Jerilyn… Reese Witherspoon
[Starts with five women talking and drinking in home.]Nat: Oh, what a week. Doesn’t it just feel to just sit and sip some wine? So, how y’all doing? Let’s just go down the line. Carolyn?
Carolyn: Um, not good.
Nat: Hmm, Merilyn?
Merilyn: Not good.
Nat: Terilyn?
Terilyn: Uh, real not good.
Nat: Jerilyn?
Jerilyn: Not good!
Nat: Well, I’m not good either. So let’s just find out what’s going on. Carolyn, what’s up?
Carolyn: Well, my husband’s back in prison.
Others: Whaaaat? Oh, no!
[Cut to Jerilyn]Jerilyn: Prison? Well, foot!
[Cut to Carolyn]Carolyn: It’s okay. He went back on purpose. He said he missed his friend.
[Cut to Jerilyn]Jerilyn: Oh, foot!
[Cut to Carolyn]Carolyn: Oh, it’s okay. At least now I can sleep spread out like a star-fish again.
[Cut to Nat trying to pour wine on Carolyn’s glass]Nat: That deserves a fill-up sweetheart. Okay. Alright, so what’s wrong with you, Merilyn?
Merilyn: Oh, nothing. Except, I hit on my own son on Tinder.
[Cut to Jerilyn]Jerilyn: Whaaat?
[Cut to Merilyn]Merilyn: Yeah! All he asked was a torso pics so I sent a pic of me and my bra and the message, “Where you at?” And he said, “Upstairs, mom!”
Nat: Oh, nooo!
Merilyn: Well, we laughed about it.
Carolyn: Did you pray also?
[Cut to Merilyn]Merilyn: Yes, a lot!
[Cut to Nat]Nat: Jerilyn, what are you down about?
[Cut to Terilyn and Jerilyn]Jerilyn: Oh, it’s not worth talking about.
Terilyn: Sure it is. It will make you feel better.
Jerilyn: Well, you all know how my husband’s in that coma.
Nat: Oh, yes, since the day you got married.
Jerilyn: Yeah, well, this last Saturday, he woke up. And guess what? He brought out demon back with him.
Terilyn: Na-ah!
Jerilyn: Yes! He talks in tongues, and toasters flying all around. I was trying to watch castle and the TV grew a mouth and called me a whore!
Merilyn: How rude!
Carolyn: In your own home?
[Cut to Jerilyn]Jerilyn: And I said, “Hey Carl! Guess who’s just heard enough of this? The answer is me, bud!” And the next thing I know, the Persian carpet I’m standing on yikes out off under me, rolls me up inside like beans in a burrito and tosses me right through our brand new pillow windows.
[Cut to everybody]Carolyn: Those are nice!
[Cut to Jerilyn]Jerilyn: I mean, not anymore! Thanks to that demon known as Nogi Negipet.
[Cut to Nat]Nat: Alright, so what’s up with you, Terilyn?
[Cut to Terilyn]Terilyn: Well, it’s the last summer with my foot apparantly.
[Cut to Nat]Nat: What’s that now?
[Cut to Terilyn]Terilyn: The doctor said I could kiss a goodbye after all those cigars I smoked.
[Cut to Nat]Nat: Now, when did you smoke cigars?
[Cut to Terilyn]Terilyn: Well, when I worked on Wallstreet, I had a box a day habit. That’s when I wore big blazers and just cursed at everybody. “Buy that stock, bitch! Sale that buy bitch!” and etcetera.
[Cut to Nat]Nat: Well, what you gonna do?
[Cut to Terilyn]Terilyn: Well, I’m just gonna dance till August and then throw off half of my shoes.
[Cut to Jerilyn]Jerilyn: Poor foot!
[Cut to Nat]Nat: Well, y’all. I hate to pile on, but I had traumatic experience of my own that I’m still dealing with.
[Cut to everybody]Carolyn: Well what happened, Nat?
Merilyn: Tell us.
[Cut to Nat]Nat: I got pranked by a sperm bank.
[Cut to Carolyn]Carolyn: The one downtown?
[Cut to Nat]Nat: Um, that’s the one. I parked in their private space, I guess. Anyway, I answered the doorbell this weekend and apparently they had rigged a bucket.
[Cut to Carolyn and Merilyn]Merilyn: [sighs] You don’t mean!
Carolyn: Oh, no!
[Cut to Nat]Nat: I do mean! No, I’m no expert, but I must have been covered with a seed of over 100 men.
Merilyn: Noooo!
Nat: I can’t even talk about it. And ya, you know, there was a note that said, “This was the first of three pranks”. And I said, “Boy, if this is the first!” Ouf! Anyway!
[Cut to Jerilyn]Jerilyn: Ladies! Weren’t we supposed to be doing something?
[Cut to Nat]Nat: Oh, yeah! We need to freaking rob this house. Let’s do it.
[Cut to everybody. They stand to get started.]Terilyn: I got the couch.
Nat: Well, let us help you with the couch.
Terilyn: Don’t, I got it.
Nat: Well, you’re gonna get hurt!
Terilyn: [yelling] I said I got it.
[The End]