Ancent… Cecily Strong

Lieutenant Jericho… Chris Hemsworth

Sasheer Zamata

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a clip of space ship]

Male voice: The year 3041. After a difficult journey across hyperspace, the crew of the S.S. Orion find their safety compromised by the actions of reckless captain.

[Cut to inside the space ship]

Ancent: Lieutenant Jericho, we have to do something about captain. She’s out of control.

Jericho: What is it Ancent, do you have problems taking orders from someone who isn’t a human?

Ancent: Of course not. I don’t care what species she is. But her decision to make that last hyperjump could have abruptly damaged the ship.

Jericho: She is in command and you need to accept that.

Sasheer: Captain Bulay’s on the bridge.

[Everyone turns to the door and salutes] [The door opens. Captain is a chicken.] [Cut to Ancent and Jericho] [The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Yes, captain! Right away.

Ancent: Jericho, just promise to speak to her. She’s acting erratically.

Jericho: It’s not that simple.

[Cut to the chicken sitting on a captain chair.] [Cut to everybody] [The chicken makes chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, you heard her. Take us into the Zeta-quadrant.

Sasheer: That’s suicide. It’s full of Trulithian mines.

Jericho: Set the course.

Sasheer: Yes, lieutenant.

Kenan: That’s certain death.

Ancent: This madness has to stop. I’m turning us around.

[chicken noise] [Cut to Ancent walks to the chicken]

No, this has nothing to do with you being a chicken and us being humans, okay? We have been a good crew to you.

[chicken noise]

I am very aware. The chickens have evolved into a higher intelligent species than humans. I am fine with that.

[chicken noise]

What did you call me?

Jericho: No, no. Take that back Emily. Take that back. For god’s sake, this isn’t like you.

[Ancent looks at Jericho in shock]

Ancent: Emily? Oh, I see. How long have you two?

Jericho: Two years. Ever since academy.

[Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: I knew he was dating that chicken. I just knew it.

[Cut to the chicken and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily. Look at me. Please, please, look at me. Just turn your head this way. That’s it, that’s it. I’ll give you a hand, look at me. Okay, don’t look at me. Just give me your hand. Okay, don’t worry. Listen, I remember the first time I saw you. You were sitting at the bar by yourself. eating pizza. And I said, “Dang, little thing like you couldn’t possibly finish off that pie by herself.” But eight hours later, you probed me wrong.

[chicken noise]

Ha-ha-ha. There’s that laugh I love. Come on! Come on! Hey, hey. Let’s tun this ship around.

[ship alarm goes off] [Cut to everybody]

Sasheer: Captain, the chord’s over heated. Probability of melt down is 82%.

Kenan: We have to get to the escape pod.

Jericho: No, no. Wait, we’ll never it to the pods. They’re all the way over that way.

[chicken noise]

No, do not even say that. Don’t even suggest that.

[chicken noise]

Sasheer: She’s right. She’s the only one who can fix the chord.

Jericho: Why does it have to be her? I could do it.

Ancent: No, Jericho, you’re too big. You’ll never fit inside. Let her go. It’s the only chance we have.

[chicken noise]

Jericho: Okay, okay. Emily, okay. [Cut to Jericho and the chicken] Com here. [chicken noise] I know, I know. Listen, once you enter the core, you’re gonna have 20 seconds to repair it and get the hell out of there. alright? You get out of there, alright? I love you.

[Jericho puts the chicken inside an oven.]

Ancent: Good luck in there.

[Cut to the chicken inside the over.] [Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: It’s working. She’s doing it. She’s doing everything she’s supposed to do.

Sasheer: Course stabilized. We’re going to be okay.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho]

Jericho: Okay, Emily, you did it. Now get out of there.

Ancent: Jericho, she can’t. There’s no handle on the inside.

Jericho: Well, I’ll just open it.

Ancent: No! There’s too much radiation. She knew that going in. She sacrificed herself for us.

[The oven timer sound beeps] [audience laughing] [Cut to Sasheer and Kenan]

Kenan: She’s done.

[Cut to Ancent and Jericho. Jericho is very emotional.] [Ancent opens the oven and takes out the roast on a plate.]

Jericho: Can I… Can I have a moment with her please?

Ancent: Of course. But, then we’re gonna eat her, okay? Because she smells so good. And she was such a bitch.

[Sasheer and Kenan walk in. They have napkins on their collars ready to eat.]

Kenan: Except at the very end of course, so noble. [Kenan pokes the roast with the fork] And cooked to perfection!

[cheers and applause]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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