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Chad Douglas… Taran Killam

Victoria Douglas… Vanessa Bayer

Lola Fabre… Maya Rudolph

Gloria Wallace… Amy Poehler

Angie Francis… Tina Fey

[Starts with a disclaimer]

Male voice: The following is a paid advertisement

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria sitting in front of their chimney]

Chad Douglas: Hello. I’m Chad Douglas.

Victoria: And I’m Victoria Douglas.

Chad Douglas: For those of you who don’t remember, my wife and I had a hit variety show back in the 70s. It was called the Chad and Mrs. Douglas show.

Victoria: We loved doing that show and we extra loved hand picking some of our favorite Christmas moments to share with you this holiday season.

Chad Douglas: Here’s the magnificent Lola Fabre , singing the 12 days of Christmas after putting 12 shots of rum in her eggnog.

[Cut to Lola.] [music is playing]

Lola: Ho, ho, ho.

[singing] On the first day of Christmas [mumbling] looking to me
[mumbling] three
On the third day of Christmas 
[mumbling] looking to me
three to the da-do-dum-three other things
and the 
[mumbling] [Lola throwing the presents to the kids]

Wow! That’s a lot of words. Here, have some gifts, children. Here you go young man. [passing the present to a girl]

Here’s something for your junior.

Oh, I love children. They are the future.

[pulling out a present] Alright, here we go.

[singing] On the other day of Christmas [mumbling] to me

a rum and [mumbling] [shouts and throws a present out]

Wow! Miss Fabre is going up on the lyrics. All to do props and words at the same time kids. Keep it together Lola. Five, six, seven, eight.

[dancing slightly]

Fabre, Fabre, alright
back on track on
five onion rings
four twizzle zees
three throng dos
two two-two-two
five or six or twelve this song

Change! Bye, bye.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, Lola came on our show many, many times. And let me tell you, that’s the best she ever did.

Victoria: Lola was a gifted mess of a woman.

Chad Douglas: Our next clip features a famous disco diva and party girl named Gloria Wallace. And boy, she liked the white stuff.

Victoria: Oh, you mean cocaine?

Chad Douglas: Please sweetheart, be cool.

[Cut to Gloria dancing with other backup dancers.] [music playing]

Gloria: Come on, come on, come on, come on.

The intro is chill on! The intro is chill on! Let’s get it. Go, move faster, faster. Alright! Johnny has more right? Let’s go. Let’s go.

[singing] All the river outside is dreadful

come to the end, let us know, let us know, let us know

Ay! Let’s go. It’s time to get Johnny on the phone. Somebody call him. I wanna go to good club. I wanna get a steak sandwich. [Gloria is sucking cocaine with a vacuum cleaner.] But I never wanna eat it. Come on now! I have lot of ideas! I’m gonna go tell somebody.

[Gloria runs through the background poster.] [Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: I just wanna say we all miss Gloria. Remember the way wear your seat belt.

Victoria: And remember to close your car door while you’re driving.

Chad Douglas: This next clip was always the number one favorite for me and my wife.

Victoria: Oh! Wife.

Chad Douglas: Not a compliment honey. It’s just what you are.

Victoria: Still, it’s sweet.

Chad Douglas: Uh-huh. Speaking of sweet, please enjoy this next clip starring the beautiful, young Angie Francis, and a special guest, it’s a real treat.

[Cut to Angie sitting and drinking wine.] [music playing]

Angie: [singing] I really can’t stay.

[Cut to OJ Simpson]

OJ Simpson: But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Gotta go away.

OJ Simpson:But baby, it’s cold outside.

Angie: Say what’s in this drink.

OJ Simpson: Oh, that is like a vitamin for when you bombed out about your career, all this to make you smile and help you reach your goal.

Angie: Yeah. Something’s up with that.

[Angie hands over the glass of wine to OJ Simpson and walks away]

OJ Simpson: No, no, wait. I wanna show you my penis.

[Cut to Chad Douglas and Victoria]

Chad Douglas: You know, now that I’ve seen these clips, all we really have are three very short awful things.

Victoria: Maybe that’s why the DVD is this big. [showing a tiny disc]

Chad Douglas: It still would make a great gift for somebody.

Victoria: Yeah, probably, but all the moments are in the commercial.

Chad Douglas: What are you dong? Don’t tell them that.

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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