The Bureau and the Pervert

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Doug… Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

Arnold… Bobby Moynihan

Abby Langly… Elizabeth Banks

Marcus Duke… Jay Pharoah

Becky… Aidy Bryant

Jon Rudnitsky

[Starts in a movie studio. Everyone is preparing for the shooting.]

Doug: Alright everyone, let’s shoot this thing.

[Sasheer walks in with Arnold]

Sasheer: Doug, this is Arnold Bagster. He won the walk on role.

Doug: Oh, yes. Hi, I’m Doug the director. Welcome.

Arnold: Oh, thank you. This is so cool.

Doug: Everyone, this is Arnold Bagster and he bid, um… how much?

Arnold: $3,000.

Doug: $3,000 and won the part of clothing store customer. Let’s give him a hand.

[everybody clapping and cheering for Arnold]

Arnold: Oh, no. Thank you. Thank you. It was a charity auction for arts education. So for a good cause.

[Abby and Marcus walks in. Doug walks out.]

Abby: Wow, is this the big spender right here?

Arnold: Wow, oh my gosh. Abby Langly. And you’re Marcus Duke.

Marcus: That’s right.

[They shake hands]

Arnold: I am such a fan of the show.

Marcus: Well, us too. Welcome to The Bureau.

Arnold: Ah!

[Cut to Doug and Arnold]

Doug: So Arnold, did anybody tell you about the scene at all?

Arnold: Um, no. All I know is I’m supposed to say, “Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?” I’ve been practicing.

Doug: Perfect! Real easy stuff. Stand right here, and after I call action, you say your line to our employee Becky here. [Becky walks in]

Becky: Hi.

Doug: Then Marcus and Abby come in and say a few lines. Sound good?

Arnold: Yeah. That sounds great.

[Sasheer walks in and puts a coat on Arnold]

Sasheer: Wardrobe flying in for the talent.

Arnold: Oh, talent? I’ve never been called that before.

Doug: Okay, let’s shoot this. Have fun Arnold.

Arnold: Okay.

[Cut to everybody. Doug walks away.]

Marcus: Hey, good luck, man.

[Abby and Marcus walk away too] [Jon walks in with the clapperboard.]

Jon: The Bureau, scene 1-C, take one.

Arnold: This is so cool.

[Jon walks out]

Doug: Okay, we set? And action.

Arnold: Um, excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

Becky: Oh, they’re just down the hall and to the left there.

[Abby and Marcus walk in pointing a gun at Arnold]

Abby: [yelling] You’re not going anywhere you sick son of a bitch.

[Everyone else leaves]

Marcus: [showing his police badge] Hands up, pervert!

[Arnold raises his both hands]

Abby: You’ve been a busy boy, Nicholas. Or should I call you the Grooville Peeping Tom?

[Abby pulls out a sketch of Arnold out]

Oh, yeah. The sketch artist did a great job. Looks exactly like you, right down to your pervert eyes.

Marcus: Yeah, now let’s search his pockets.

[Marcus pulls out a pink bathing suit out of Arnold’s coat that Sasheer put on him]

Oh! What have we here? A teenager’s bathing suit.

Abby: What kind of man gets his jolly sniffing one pieces?

[Cut to close shot of Arnold’s face looking worried]

This man!

[Cut to everybody] [Becky walks in]

Becky: Shame on you sir. You are a monster. I hate you!

[Becky runs away]

Abby: By the way, forensics took a little trip to your apartment. What’s this I hear about a scarf made from teenager’s hair? Put this creep in bracelets.

[Marcus pulls Arnold’s hands to handcuff him]

Arnold: Ou! Ou!

Abby: How about one for the road?

[Abby puts the bathing suit in Arnold’s mouth] [Doug walks in]

Doug: Cut! Great! Great stuff. Wow, Arnold. I mean those reactions were so natural.

Arnold: Oh my god, I told so many people about this.

Marcus: Hey man, the star is born.

Abby: I mean, quit that day job, bud. What do you do?

Arnold: Middle-school principal. Look, so is this definitely gonna be in the show?

Doug: Yeah, yeah. Kicks off the episode. Pretty awesome, huh? So we just need to grab a few promo spots with you.

Arnold: I’m sorry, what’s happening?

Abby: Oh, it’s just some quick ads for the show. You just look right into the camera. alright?

Arnold: Alright?

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi Delta passengers. We hope you’re enjoying your free and flight TV. We just busted this nasty pervert.

Abby: To see how, check out The Bureau, available to watch on today’s flight.

Doug: And cut.

Arnold: Oh, my god. My parents fly Delta.

Doug: Let’s do a TV spot.

Arnold: Wait, can you guys say that I’m playing a pervert or something please?

Abby: Oh, yeah.

Marcus: Sure, sure, sure.

Doug: And action!

Marcus: Hi, this man is a dirty pervert.

Abby: And it’s our job to stop him. The Bureau is up next, but first enjoy the Superbowl.

Doug: And cut.

[Arnold is shook]

Arnold: Wait, this is gonna air during the Superbowl?

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: No, no, no, no, no. The promo will air right before the Superbowl. Your episode will air right after.

[Cut to Arnold, Abby and Marcus]

Arnold: So, a lot of people are gonna see this.

[Abby and Marcus laughing]

Abby: This guy.

Marcus: He’s got the bug, man. Hollywood to the bone.

[Cut to Doug]

Doug: And that’s a wrap on our pervert.

[Cut to everybody]

Abby: Whooo! Great job.

[Jon comes with a huge board handing it over to Arnold]

Jon: And we have a little parting gift for you.

Abby: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yesterday, we shot a scene where we search our character’s apartment and this was a prop from the set.

[The board has Arnold’s photo wearing a girl’s swimsuit.]

The whole cast signed it.

Arnold: Wait, so this picture is gonna be on TV? I never posed for this picture.

Doug: Oh, we used your wardrobe fitting photo. The guys in the art department are wizards with that Photoshop.

Abby: Yeah, hey, you can hang it in your office at the middle school.

Arnold: No, thank you.

Doug: Well, thanks so much Arnold. And hey, keep an eye out. You might pop on an ad or two.

[Cut to Time Square where Arnold’s picture with ‘Pervert’ written on it is used for the ad.] [The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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