The Shoemaker & The Elves

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Shoemaker… Louis C.K.

Kenan Thompson

Venessa Bayer

Wife… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a book “The Shoemaker and the Elves”.]

Male voice: After enjoying many nights of assistance from the magical Elves, the Shoemaker awoke to find an unpleasant surprise.

[Cut to Shoemaker getting in a room]

Shoemaker: Hmm. Time to see where the Elves have left. [walks to the table] What is this? This is odd, just one half done boot. This is not like them. Or family will go hungry.

[two elves appear in front of Shoemaker]

Male Elf: Master shoemaker, we are here to serve.

Female elf: What seems to be the problem?

Shoemaker: It’s just that this is not like you. I feel like you’re letting me down a little bit.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, no!

Male Elf: So sorry. That was not our intention at all.

Female elf: No sir.

Male Elf: Probably the best thing to do is to teach us some kind of a lesson. You know, so we get the message.

Female elf: Yeah, like some sort of punishment.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Punishment? Like what?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Whatever you think is fair.

Male Elf: It could be physical.

Female elf: Yeah, like some kind of physical, discipline…

[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Look, that’s not my style. Why don’t I just say “Try harder” and leave it at that?

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: Oh, so no punishment?

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: No! Just do better!

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: We won’t let you down.

[Cut to the wall clock ringing] [Cut to the room after many hours. Male Elf and Female elf are sitting on the table. Shoemaker walks in]

Male Elf: Good morning Mr. Cobbler.

Female elf: Good morn to you.

Shoemaker: You guys, this is– I mean you’ve done nothing.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Oh, no! Are you kidding?

Female elf: We just won’t learn, will we?

Male Elf: How are you gonna handle this, sir? [Male Elf turns his butt towards Shoemaker to get hit.] [Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Don’t do that. This is serious. I have customers who need shoes and I don’t feel like making them.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Totally! Probably cause for some physical punishment.

Female elf: Yeah, you must be so horny– I mean, mad! If I were you, I’d just grab me by my hair and shake me.

Male Elf: Yeah, and I’d tie me up over here and stuff a crab apple in my mouth.

Female elf: Then take a paddle and crack it across both of our rear ends.

Male Elf: Yeah, I think that will be a good motivator.

Female elf: That would definitely put a fire under my butt.

Male Elf: Speaking of butts, I wanna go ahead and just flop over here and see if it tempts you to give me the spanking I deserve.

[Male Elf bends over] [Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]

Shoemaker: Guys!

Male Elf and Female elf: Just try it!

Shoemaker: Uh! Alright, maybe just one little–

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt]

Male Elf: Ah! Harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Female elf: Oh, it’s gotta be harder!

[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]

Male Elf: Whoo!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, forget it! This is insane! You guys are starting to really make me…

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Angry? It’s completely justified!

Female elf: I guess you’re gonna want to go to the restroom on us now.

[Male Elf pulls up a plastic sheet roll]

Male Elf: I guess I’ll just unfold this plastic sheet. You know, to like, protect the floor but also to collect it just in case we wanna use it for something later. I don’t know. Everything is up to you.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I am not going to go to the restroom upon you. Now, put that sheet away. I’m beginning to regret rescuing you from that windowless cottage at the edges of forest.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Female elf: So, act on that!

Male Elf: Act on that frustration!

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: Look, elves. Come on! You don’t know how much I want to dominate you both right now. I so want to call you both nastiest of names I can think of.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Do it!

Female elf: Do exactly that.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to take my pants off and parade around in front of you in my underwear.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: Great idea!

Female elf: I’m making so many pairs of shoes in my mind right now.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: I want to make you call me daddy, then I force you to wash the kitchen floor with sponges on your bottoms.

[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]

Male Elf: I’m ready!

Female elf: Into it.

[Cut to Shoemaker]

Shoemaker: But at last, I can’t do any of those things. And you want to know why? Because I’m married.

[Wife walks in]

Wife: Husband!

Shoemaker: Oh, no! How much did you hear?

Wife: Enough to know that you must choose between me and the elves.

[Wife leaves]

Shoemaker: Well, you heard her. [looking at the camera asking audience] What do you think I should do? If you think I should stay faithful to my wife, text the number 1 to 18005550199. If you think I should sexually dominate the elves, text 2. We’ll be back later with the results.

[The End]

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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