Shoemaker… Louis C.K.
Wife… Aidy Bryant[Starts with a book “The Shoemaker and the Elves”.]
Male voice: After enjoying many nights of assistance from the magical Elves, the Shoemaker awoke to find an unpleasant surprise.[Cut to Shoemaker getting in a room]
Shoemaker: Hmm. Time to see where the Elves have left. [walks to the table] What is this? This is odd, just one half done boot. This is not like them. Or family will go hungry.[two elves appear in front of Shoemaker]
Male Elf: Master shoemaker, we are here to serve.
Female elf: What seems to be the problem?
Shoemaker: It’s just that this is not like you. I feel like you’re letting me down a little bit.
Female elf: Oh, no!
Male Elf: So sorry. That was not our intention at all.
Female elf: No sir.
Male Elf: Probably the best thing to do is to teach us some kind of a lesson. You know, so we get the message.
Female elf: Yeah, like some sort of punishment.[Cut to Shoemaker]
Shoemaker: Punishment? Like what?
Female elf: Whatever you think is fair.
Male Elf: It could be physical.
Female elf: Yeah, like some kind of physical, discipline…[Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]
Shoemaker: Look, that’s not my style. Why don’t I just say “Try harder” and leave it at that?[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]
Female elf: Oh, so no punishment?[Cut to Shoemaker]
Shoemaker: No! Just do better!
Male Elf: We won’t let you down.[Cut to the wall clock ringing] [Cut to the room after many hours. Male Elf and Female elf are sitting on the table. Shoemaker walks in]
Male Elf: Good morning Mr. Cobbler.
Female elf: Good morn to you.
Shoemaker: You guys, this is– I mean you’ve done nothing.[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]
Male Elf: Oh, no! Are you kidding?
Female elf: We just won’t learn, will we?
Male Elf: How are you gonna handle this, sir? [Male Elf turns his butt towards Shoemaker to get hit.] [Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]
Shoemaker: Don’t do that. This is serious. I have customers who need shoes and I don’t feel like making them.[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]
Male Elf: Totally! Probably cause for some physical punishment.
Female elf: Yeah, you must be so horny– I mean, mad! If I were you, I’d just grab me by my hair and shake me.
Male Elf: Yeah, and I’d tie me up over here and stuff a crab apple in my mouth.
Female elf: Then take a paddle and crack it across both of our rear ends.
Male Elf: Yeah, I think that will be a good motivator.
Female elf: That would definitely put a fire under my butt.
Male Elf: Speaking of butts, I wanna go ahead and just flop over here and see if it tempts you to give me the spanking I deserve.[Male Elf bends over] [Cut to Shoemaker, Male Elf and Female elf]
Male Elf and Female elf: Just try it!
Shoemaker: Uh! Alright, maybe just one little–[Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt]
Male Elf: Ah! Harder![Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]
Female elf: Oh, it’s gotta be harder![Shoemaker slap’s Male Elf’s butt again]
Male Elf: Whoo![Cut to Shoemaker]
Shoemaker: Look, forget it! This is insane! You guys are starting to really make me…[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]
Male Elf: Angry? It’s completely justified!
Female elf: I guess you’re gonna want to go to the restroom on us now.[Male Elf pulls up a plastic sheet roll]
Male Elf: I guess I’ll just unfold this plastic sheet. You know, to like, protect the floor but also to collect it just in case we wanna use it for something later. I don’t know. Everything is up to you.[Cut to Shoemaker]
Shoemaker: I am not going to go to the restroom upon you. Now, put that sheet away. I’m beginning to regret rescuing you from that windowless cottage at the edges of forest.[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]
Female elf: So, act on that!
Male Elf: Act on that frustration![Cut to Shoemaker]
Shoemaker: Look, elves. Come on! You don’t know how much I want to dominate you both right now. I so want to call you both nastiest of names I can think of.[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]
Male Elf: Do it!
Female elf: Do exactly that.[Cut to Shoemaker]
Shoemaker: I want to take my pants off and parade around in front of you in my underwear.[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]
Male Elf: Great idea!
Female elf: I’m making so many pairs of shoes in my mind right now.[Cut to Shoemaker]
Shoemaker: I want to make you call me daddy, then I force you to wash the kitchen floor with sponges on your bottoms.[Cut to Male Elf and Female elf]
Male Elf: I’m ready!
Female elf: Into it.[Cut to Shoemaker]
Shoemaker: But at last, I can’t do any of those things. And you want to know why? Because I’m married.[Wife walks in]
Shoemaker: Oh, no! How much did you hear?
Wife: Enough to know that you must choose between me and the elves.[Wife leaves]
Shoemaker: Well, you heard her. [looking at the camera asking audience] What do you think I should do? If you think I should stay faithful to my wife, text the number 1 to 18005550199. If you think I should sexually dominate the elves, text 2. We’ll be back later with the results.[The End]