Time To Bleed

Sasheer Zamata

Paleski… Chris Hemsworth

Ruman… Kyla Mooney

Beck Bennett

Jon Rudnitsky

Doctor… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a crossfire between a man and police.]

Sasheer: 2-7. Shots fire at North River Street. Request backup.

[The man shoots and Paleski gets hit. The man runs.]

Paleski, you’ve been hit.

Paleski: I’m fine.

Sasheer: But you’re bleeding.

Paleski: I don’t have time to bleed. Now come on, let’s finish this.

[Paleski runs after Ruman any way]

[Cut to Sasheer running into an empty floor.]

Paleski: [echo sound] Ruman.

Ruman: [looking around and pointing the gun] Where you at, Paleski? I know you’re here.

[Paleski suddenly appears behind Ruman.]

Paleski: Hey, baby.

[as Ruman turns around, Paleski punches him on hi face and Ruman faints.]

[Sasheer reaches the scene]

Sasheer: 2-7. Suspect has been subdued.

Paleski: Translation, knocked the hell out.

[Paleski groaning because of the pain]

Sasheer: Okay though guy. Let’s get you to a doctor.

Paleski: Or maybe you can kiss and make it better.

[Cut to press conference held by the police]

Beck: For bravery, in the line of duty, we award this medal to Sargent Peter Paleski.

[Paleski receives the medal.]

Sasheer: I didn’t know they give award to stubborn sons of bitches.

Paleski: Yeah, I’ll hang them in my bad. Would you come see them sometime?

[Paleski groaning]

Sasheer: What’s wrong? [Paleski is still bleeding] Oh, my god! Did you not go to the hospital?

Paleski: Relax. I’m fine.

Sasheer: Paleski, you don’t need to be the tough guy anymore. You need to see a doctor.

Paleski: I will. But first I gotta finish this thing all the way.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski working at the office. Paleski is bleeding but he’s still turning papers on his desk with his bloody hands.]

Sasheer: Okay, this is just stupid.

Paleski: It’s the job, okay? You know, paper work is the job.

Sasheer: You’re getting blood everywhere.

Paleski: You know, I know another place where we can get my blood from. It’s my penis.

Sasheer: It doesn’t make sense.

[Jon walks in]

Jon: Bad news, Ruman made bail.

[Paleski bands the table]

Paleski: God dammit! I gotta go blow off some steam.

[Cut to Paleski hitting the boxing pads. He’s still bleeding so he doesn’t have the strength.]

[Sasheer walks in]

Sasheer: You really don’t look good.

Paleski: Yah, maybe on opposite’s day.

Sasheer: I think you have lead poisoning from that bullet.

Paleski: You know, I got a little bullet in my penis too.

[Paleski falls down.]

[Cut to Paleski laying on a hospital bed. Sasheer is sitting beside him.]

Paleski: Looks like you finally got your wish.

[door knock]

[Doctor walks in]

Doctor: Bad news, Mr. Paleski. I’m afraid your insurance doesn’t cover elective surgeries. Can’t give you those calf implants after all.

Sasheer: No. He’s here coz he got shot.

Doctor: Huh? Not what he told me.

Paleski: Don’t listen to her. She’s joking.

[Paleski removes the blanket and he is bleeding all over the bed.]

[Paleski walks out on the patient’s gown bleeding all over it.]

Sasheer: No! What is your problem? Dammit, Paleski. You need to take care of yourself. I need to–

[Ruman jumps in and holds Sasheer at a gun point from behind]

Ruman: You really thought you could beat me?

[Paleski is trying to aim at Ruman but he can’t because he is shaking.]

Sasheer: Don’t shoot Paleski. You can’t make the shot.

Paleski: Tell me that tomorrow when you’re making me breakflahh—

Sasheer: Are you saying breakfast?

[Paleski shoots. He gets Ruman the third time.]

Sasheer: Nice shot, Paleski.

[Cut to Sasheer and Paleski waking up on the same bed.]

Looks like you got your Christmas gift after all.

[The bed is full of blood.]

[Sasheer shakes Paleski’s shoulder]

Oh, he’s dead.

[The End]