David Stangle… Taran Killam
Earl… Matthew McConaughey
Rosco… Pete Davidson
Kenan Thompson[Starts with a hall having a presentation]
David: And um, let me just start off by saying that we at N-tracker are so excited to work with all of you here. Benson, we think you’ve got a great little town.
Bobby: Yeah, well we are very excited to hear your plan.
David: Oh, good, good, good. Well, I know some of you have some concerns but we do think that a high speed rail line can grow our state’s economy by about 20% in the next decade.[Cut to Earl. He is wearing a leather jacket and he has long hair.]
Earl: Go home! Yeah, you! Keep your fancy numbers and your pie charts coz we’re not buying it![Cut to David]
David: Um, sir, we are very confident in the research that we’ve done.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Oh! Is that so, college?[Cut to David]
David: My name is David Stangle.
Earl: No, college. You’re college coz you stroll in here with your fancy degree and you think you own the place. Huh? Well I’m sorry, I didn’t go to college. My only credential is I love this town.[Cut to David. Beck stands.]
Beck: Um, David, if I may. [turns to Earl] Let’s look at the numbers. Everyone turn to page two of the proposal.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Oh you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Books brothers![Cut to David and Beck]
Beck: Now hold on, sir.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: No, you hold on books brothers. Hah! You stand there in your fancy suit and your $22 smile. Well I might not dress like you but this ain’t Park Avenue. This is Benson.[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]
Aidy: I gotta say Earl, I’ve studied this proposal and it could be big for this town.
Earl: Oh, is that so? Little miss I know how to read![Cut to Bobby and Aidy]
Aidy: I do know. I know how to read.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Oh, you think coz you can read those little squiggles on that page and turn them to words in your brain, that means something like you’re smarter than me?[Cut to Bobby and Aidy]
Aidy: I mean, I wanna say yes.
Bobby: Earl, look, I respect your passion. But you know, I think we should just hear these folks out.
Earl: Oh, is that what you think? Shoes![Cut to David, Bobby and Aidy]
David: Yeah! Um, why don’t we get back to the presentation. Now, as you can see this project could create 50 local jobs in the next year alone.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Yeah, yeah. Save your breath real hand![Cut to David]
David: Real hand?[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Yeah! [you can now see that Earl’s left hand is made out of plastic] You think coz you never got pissed drunk and slept on your own hand for two days till it died, that makes you some kind of expert? Hah! Let me think! Dah, no!
Cecily: Earl, Earl, this train could be great for us. The chart doesn’t lie.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Well it so happens, I brought a chart of my own. Show them, Rosco.[Rosco comes in showing a picture of Thomas the Tank Engine that they have ruined by making horns and mustache on it.]
Hah! What do you think of that?[Cut to Beck and Cecily]
Cecily: I think you drew a Hitler mustache on top Thomas the Tank Engine.[Cut to Cecily, Beck, David, Bobby, Aidy]
Bobby: Um, how about we just open this up to the rest of the town?
Kenan: Well yes, I’m very much in favor of this proposal.
Earl: Well, I bet you are Mr. never got hit or bit by a bat.
Kenan: Tell us more about that one.
Earl: Just coz you didn’t rampaging through a dark barn, hear a bunch of fluttering that you thought might be just a pretty lady, then you took your clothes off, got a pair of fangs right in the face and another in the pecker, you think that makes you better than me?[Cut to David]
David: Yes! Everyone here is better than you.[Cut to Earl and Kenan]
Earl: I- I- I can’t believe this. After all I’ve done to save this town.[Cut to Cecily and Beck]
Cecily: No. You blocked the road with your snow plow coz you said the Age of Ultron was coming.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Yeah, well hindsight 2020, nice rack![Cut to Beck and Cecily]
Cecily: Oh! [looks at her breasts and blushes] [Cut to Bobby and Aidy]
Bobby: Okay look, all in favor of the train coming through Benson?[Everyone raises their hands]
All oppose?[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Boo![Cut to Bobby and Aidy]
Bobby: Motion passes. The train will come through Benson.[cut to Earl looking disappointed]
Earl: Oh, fine! Fine! I wanna be the conductor.[Cut to David]
David: Absolutely not.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Fine! I want a picture with the train.[Cut to David]
David: Uff! Sure.[Cut to Earl]
Earl: Yeah? Yeah? You not lying?
Earl: Yeah! [hits the table and looks at Kenan] We did it! High-five, huh? Ha-ha-ha. High-five, Rosco. Hay![Cut to the newspaper article headline “Ultron Invades Benson, He Took The Train”.] [The End]