Tracy Morgan Monologue

Tracy Morgan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.]

[band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Tracy Morgan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Na, I’m just playing. Y’all thought for a minute that was real. But I’m back. It feels so good to be here. You may have seen on the news, I was in a trouble car accident a year ago. It was awful. But also showed me how much love and support I have in this world. So, a couple of months ago I called Lorne Michaels. He’s my co-obi-one-knobi. And I said, “Lorne, when I get back on my feet I wanna come home.” And here I am.

[cheers and applause]

Yo, ay! People were wondering, “Can he speak? Does he have 100% mental capacity?” But the truth is I never did. I might actually be a few points higher now. I’m so lucky I have my comedy family. When this happened, I knew they would all be there to support me. Now, I already knew how much they cared about me. From a very special episode of 30 Rock where my character Tracy Jordan almost died. Take a look at this episode from 2012. It was pathetic. See? I know the word pathetic. My brain works! Anyway, take a look.

[Cut to Alec talking on the phone. The video is marked as ‘Original Air Date October 3, 2012’]

Alec: Thank you doctor. Keep us posted. Bad news, that was my good friend doctor Rand Paul. He says that Tracy technically died for seven minutes after trying to non artificially inseminate his box jellyfish. We don’t know if he’s gonna make it.

[Cut to Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer looking at Alec. They all look concerned.]

[cheers and applause]

Tina: I mean, who would have thought that Tracy’s disgusting fantasies and his love exotic marine life would combine in such a tragic way.

[Cut to Alec]

Alec: Well, we all did, Lemon. That’s why we have an insurance policy that covers his penis being eaten by an arowana.

[Cut to Tina Fey and Jane Krakowski]

Jane: I hope Tracy pulls through this. He told me he was gonna get me backstage at the Grammy’s to meet Skrillex and Psy. [looking at the camera] Remember, this is 2012.

[Cut to Jack McBrayer.]

Jack: Oh! Mr. Jordan has got to get better. Who’s gonna teach me to drink Hennessy until I throw up on the Knicks. Who’s gonna remind me to expose myself to dogs to show them who is the alpha?

[Cut to Alec]

Alec: Well, okay, that’s to think about the loss. It’s only when someone or something is taken away from you that you realize how much you really missed it. And even things that seem silly and ridiculous at the time can leave a profound sense of loss when they’re gone. As my friend Kwotonomous Barlin once said–

[Tracy walks in]

Tracy: Boring!

Alec: Good god! Tracy!

Tracy: I’m black and better than ever.

[Jack gets in]

Jack: Jordan, you’re alive! Oh, let me smell your sour ears.

[Jane Krakowski gets in]

Jane: Tracy, I’m so happy that you’re alive. And if you receive any kind of insurance settlement because of this, I may also be in love with you.

Tracy: I love you too tiny Butt Jones. And I won’t miss any more shows, Jackie D. I learned my lesson. Animals that are beautiful and very sexual are not here for our amusement. And I promise you, I’ll never do stupid stuff again.

[Cut to Alec and Jack]

Alec: Well, thank you Tracy. But I gotta be honest, I was so worried that you weren’t going to make it. But you may find a cake that says, “Welcome, Cedric the Entertainer” in your dressing room.

[Cut to Tina]

Tina: And I just wanna say one last thing Tracy, from the heart, and this part is no joke. We’re so happy that you’re okay. We’re even happier that you’re ready to make people laugh again. Are those SMASH people under me? [SMASH show ad is under her]

[Cut to Tracy Morgan at the SNL monologue stage]

Tracy Morgan: As you can see, everything is going to be just fine. I got my family here, my cast, my crew and I’ve got my obi-one-knobi Lorne Michaels. So, let’s be funny. Everybody get up here, y’all!

[Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jane Krakowski and Jack McBrayer walk in]

We’ve got a great show for you. Demi Lovato is here. So stick around, we will be right back.

[cheers and applause]