Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Supreme Court and a gavel at left top corner.]
The Supreme Court announced that in June, they will decide once and for all whether same sex marriage is constitutional. Which leaves opponents just 6 months to break in, steal the constitution and change it to “We the Peple: No Homo.”[Picture changes to Mitt Romney]
Mitt Romney is reportedly considering running for president in 2016. In a related story, Charlie Brown is planning on finally kicking that football. [Picture changes to a cartoon trying to kick the football]
When Romney told the news to a group of donors, they started chanting, “Run, Mitt, run.” Incidentally, RUN MITT is also how you boot up Romney’s operating system.[Picture changes to Chris Christie]
Governor Chris Christie this week gave New Jersey state of the state address. Which is just like the state of the union address, only every sentence ends with, “But you didn’t hear that from me.”
Michael Che: Pope Francis this week criticized the magazine ‘Charlie Hebdo’ by saying, “You can’t make a toy out of religions.” And then he put on his giant hat, grabbed his wand and went back to his golden castle.[Picture changes to Al Sharpton]
Al Sharpton has called for an emergency meeting of his diversity task force after no actors of color received Oscar nomination. As a side note, I gotta say, the Al Sharpton diversity task force sounds like a kick ass Saturday morning cartoon. I mean, what can I say? I can’t tell you who deserve to be nominated. I mean, of all the movies, Selma is the only one I even pretended to see. But I understand frustrations of minorities. An Oscar nomination can lead to so many opportunities for the black actors. Great future roles like, Snow Dogs. Or, Cat Woman. Or maybe even a WeightWatchers commercial. It’s a real thing. And I get that it’s hard to pronounce a lot of these names, but that’s what makes an award show so fun. I mean, just imagine John Travolta as he introduces the wickedly talented [picture changes to David Oyelowo] Davido Alajuwan.