Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Mitt Romney at left top corner.]
Mitt Romney announced Friday that he would not be running in the 2016 presidential race. [audience applaud] To which republicans responded, [in soft voice] “No, please, no. Okay.”[Picture changes to Raul Castro]
Cuban’s Raul Castro has demanded that if the US wants to restore full diplomatic relations, it must return control of Guantanamo bay to Cuba. And I’m guessing, we’re not getting back [Picture changes to people held in prison.] our security deposit.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Barack Obama and Saudi Arabia flag.]
Michael Che: President Obama defended the need for the US to maintain a closer lines with Saudi Arabia despite the country’s poor human rights record. But I get what Obama’s doing. You see, oil is our drug and Saudi Arabia is our dealer. And you can’t expect to like everything about your drug dealer. Coz I mean, like most drug dealers, Saudi Arabia is a little sketchy and he has some strange opinions on politics and women, but you listen to him anyway. And you should, coz he’s got that loud sticky icky oil. It ain’t easy to find.
The New Jersey governor Chris Christie has filed paperwork to form a political action committee which is step one, toward a possible presidential campaign. However, Christie maintains as step zero on his fitbit.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Chris Christie at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was noted this week that the acronym for Chris Christie’s new political action committee, LeadershipMattersForAmerica.Org spells out the internet slang, LMFAO. Not to be confused with Joe Biden’s slogan, [Picture changes to Joe Biden with his slogan acronym ‘DTF’] Deliver The future.[Picture changes to Super Bowl]
During the Super Bowl on Sunday, the NFL will show it’s first anti-domestic violence PSA. Hey, that’s smart. Show at the one time NFL players can’t watch it.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Benedict Cumberbatch apologize for comments he made during an interview in which he referred to black actors as colored. In fairness, the interview was with ‘Just Between You and Me’ magazine.