Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: What’s up, everybody?
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Indiana state and LGBTQ rainbow color.]
The governor of Indiana has signed a new law allowing businesses to turn away gay and lesbian customers saying it’s their part of their religious freedom. You’ll be able to tell which stores are supporting the new law, because they’ll have these helpful little signs. [Picture changes to a sign that says, “Going out of business!”] [Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]
The head of the house committee investigated the Benghazi attacks said Friday that Hillary Clinton wiped her personal email server clean, permanently deleting all her emails. So, at least one Clinton has learned how to wipe something clean.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Colombian flag and a DEA badge.]
Michael Che: A new Justice Department report claims that the American DEA agents in Columbia participated in sex parties with prostitutes hired by drug cartels. In response to this incredibly irresponsible behavior, the agents have been promoted to Secret Service![Picture changes to Ted Cruz]
During senator Ted Cruz’s speech announcing his run for president, he repeatedly asked voters to imagine the country what it would look like with him as it’s leader. And he repeatedly asked voters to stop laughing. He was serious. He could win.
Friday, senator Harry Reid said that he came to his decision to not run for re-election while he was recovering from his exercising accident. That’s right, an exercising accident. And definitely not roughed off by senate badass, [Picture changes to Mitch McConnell smoking wearing a leather jacket.] Mitch McConnell.