Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.
[cheers and applause]
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Michael Che: Hello everyone.
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]
President Obama announced that a deal has been reached with Iran on their nuclear program that would leave sanctions and prevent the country from making a nuclear weapon. Because nuclear weapon should only be enhanced of responsible nations like, Britain, or France, [Picture changes to Vladimir Putin riding a horse shirtless.] or a country run by a Bond villain. [Picture changes to Kim Jong Un and Dennis Rodman] Or Dennis Rodman’s booty call. [Picture changes to a map of China] Or these human enthusiasts. Or the one country that’s actually used them. [Picture changes to map of USA.] Ay, it was only twice! It’s important to know that this deal is not a treaty and won’t be put onto writing until June. But when it comes to preventing nuclear holocaust, the last thing I wanna hear is, [pointing to his head] Don’t worry. I got it all up here.”
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of USA flag and Israel flag at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: There’s concern in Washington that the nuclear deal with Iran is gong to hurt relations between the US and Israel. But our relationship is going to be fine. The US and Israel is like buddy cops in an action movie. [Picture changes to a photo of Mel Gibson and Danny Glover from the movie Lethal Weapon.] We were forced to be partners. We have very different methods of keeping the peace, and we blow up a ton of stuff in the process. Oh yeah, [Picture changes to Danny Glover and Barack Obama] and one of us is getting too old for this. And yes, [Picture changes to Mel Gibson and Benjamin Netanyahi] I am aware that Benjamin Netanyahu would probably be pretty upset that in this analogy he is Mel Gibson. But he definitely wouldn’t be as upset as Mel Gibson.
[Picture changes to Hillary Clinton]
Despite Hillary Clinton’s claims that she used her personal email while Secretary of State to avoid carrying more than one device. A new report shows that she emailed with her iPad in addition to her Blackberry. Even more alarming, her email signature was “Sent fro my Benghazi cover up device.”
[Picture changes to Robert Menendez]
New Jersey senator Robert Menendez was indicted this week on federal corruption charges. It’s no surprise considering that a senator taking a bribe [Picture chnges to seal logo of State of New Jersey] is the New Jersey state seal.
[Cut to Michael Che. Thre’s a picture
Michael Che: For the first time in nearly 20 years, Tyga Woods is not ranked in the list of the top 100 golfers in the world. This according to a recent toast, “An all white country club.”
