Weekend Update 1


Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]

Michael Che: Good evening everyone.

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Officer badge on right top corner.]

The State’s Attorney in Baltimore announced Friday that charges would be filed against six police officers in the death of Freddy Grey. It’s a vital and important first step on a path of those officers probably being acquitted.

State of emergency was declared in Baltimore after protest turned into violent rioting but no reported deaths. Meaning, the riots were still far less dangerous than the back seat of a Baltimore police van.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ray Lewis at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Former Raven’s linebacker Ray Lewis spoke out against the violence in Baltimore saying, “Violence is not the answer.” Unless of course the question is, “What made Ray Lewis super rich?”

Due to the riot in Baltimore, Wednesday’s Orioles game against the White Sox was close to the public and had zero fans in attendance. Which was probably a good idea since Wednesday was Cal Ripken molotov cocktail day.

[Picture changes to Supreme Court]

During the Supreme Court hearing on the constitutionality of gay marriage, Justice Samuel Alito asked if homosexuals were allowed to marry, what will happen if a group of two men and two women try to apply for marriage license? Well, Sam, I am no legal expert but they’ll probably tell them no, because that’s polygamy and it’s illegal. And also not at all the same thing. So, let’s take to the case at hand and not try to turn this whole thing in some kind of gay word problem. Coz if the gay marriage train Massachusetts at 3 pm, and the traditional marriage train leaves Tennessee at at 6 pm, it doesn’t matter because look around you, everyone’s already on board the gay train.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Apple logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Apple reported earnings of over $194 billion this quarter after the company sold more than 61 million iPhones. And not to be undone, Samsung is also a company.

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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