Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: What’s up everyone?
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of George W. Bush and Jeb Bush at left top corner.]
Jeb Bush said in an interview this week that like his brother, he would have authorized the invasion of Iraq, that we wouldn’t have done it for the same reason George did, to capture the genie from Aladin.
Jeb Bush has also criticized that a Town Hall event at Nevada when a college student said that his brother George W. Bush created ISIS. But that’s really not fair, you know? [Picture changes to George W. Bush and Dick Cheney] It’s more like he co-created it. And if you don’t believe me take a look at the credits.[Cut to credits. The background is a dessert and has ISIS written on it. It says “Created by George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. Executive Producer Donald Rumsfeld.” Then at last, a dog appears and says, “Halliburton”.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Harriet Tubman at right top corner.]
Michael Che: The group advocating replacing Andrew Jackson on $20 with a woman announced that the winner of the poll for the new face of the currency is Harriet Tubman. It’s a move that could have racists all over saying, “Can I get that in 10s?”
The NFL has suspended New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady for his role in deflate gate. Why are we calling this ‘deflate gate’? Gate doesn’t mean scandal. It’s from the Watergate hotel and Tom Brady did not take air out of the Watergate hotel. He took the air out of balls. It’s deflate balls. Let’s just deal with it. It’s what it is.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of China’s flag and an Apple Watch at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: China has banned it’s soldiers from wearing the new Apple Watch over concerns of cyber security. Said one Chinese soldier, “But my daughter made it for me!”