Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: What’s up everyone?
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush and Donald Trump at left top corner.]
At a town hall even in New Hampshire this week, Jeb Bush criticized Donald Trump saying he can’t take criticism and needs to “put on his big boy pants.” But I don’t know. Things haven’t been going great recently for guys with big boy pants.[Picture changes to Joe Biden]
Joe Biden has said he will not participate in the first democratic presidential debate but CNN says they’re still holding an empty podium in case he decides to show up last minute. Which makes me wonder, how boring is this debate gonna be? I mean, the first podium is empty, then you got the [Picture changes to Hillary Clinogn] woman who has already won, [Picture changes to Bernie Sanders] the human Lorax, [Picture changes to three other men] and three mannequins from Joseph A Bank. Che, I’ll give you $1 million right now if you can name any one of those guys.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Michael Che: Um, Chuck Woolery.
Colin Jost: See? And that might have been right. I don’t even know. You can’t even google these guys. You google them, Google’s just like, “Pass!” The only way to make this debate interesting is to have Trump moderate it. Or you have Hillary moderate it and just make it a job interview for Vice President.[Cut to Hillary Clinton greeting people with audio saying, “I’m Hillary Clinton and I approve this joke.”] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Pope Francis and Kim Davis at right top corner.]
Michael Che: They said Friday that the Pope’s meeting with Kim Davis was just part of a greeting with several other people and does not indicate his support for her position. Yikes! Way to throw her under the [picture changes to a car] Fiat![Picture changes to Kim Davis] I mean, of course the Pope would meet with Kim Davis. He’s the pope. That’s his job. He gives hope to the hopeless. The prisoners, the sick, [Picture changes to John Boehner] John Boehner. The pope should be with people who need god the most. If I was pope, I’d be eating Subway sandwiches with Bill Cosby right now. We’d have a lot to talk about.
And say what you will about Kim Davis, but she’s really living a charmed life. I mean, a simple southern woman meeting all these famous and powerful people. She’s like a homophobic Forest Gump.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Also, her husband definitely looks like Bubba.