Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture Donald Trump and caduceus logo at left top corner.]
Donald Trump said that his doctor will soon release his medical records which Trump says will show that his health is “perfection”. You know, a thing doctor said. “How are my lungs looking, doc?” “They’re unstop-able. Honestly, in my expert medical opinion, you’re gonna live to be 1000.”[Picture changes to Ben Carson and Jordan flag.]
Ben Carson this week toured refugee camps in Jordan and said that the most of the Syrians he met there don’t wanna come to the US. It’s a decision they made after asking Carson, “Where are you from?” Overall, Dr. Carson said he enjoyed his trip to Jordan but said he was disappointed that he didn’t meet Michael.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Jeb Bush hinted that if nominated, he would pick a woman as his running mate. But Jebb, you’re supposed to let women off of sinking ships.
The New York Times ran a front page editorial urging congress to take action following Wednesday shooting in California. But congress already took action because on Thursday, the senate confronted the gun issue head-on by voting to defund planned parenthood. Good job dudes. There have been more mass shootings in the US this year than there had been days in the years. So, how id defunding planned parenthood the priority right now? It would be like, if you called an exterminator and he goes, “Wow, you got a lot of rats in here man. So, the first thing we got to do is defund planned parenthood.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And it’s not just congress. On Wednesday, president Obama said that ISIS does not pose an existential threat to America. First of all, you can’t use big words like existential. We’re not in a philosophy class. We’re a country that’s about to be four deep into the Chipmunks franchise. We still think existential is a male enhancement pill they sell at gas stations. [Picture changes to Existential pills] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama at right top corner.]
Michael Che: So, for our sake president Obama, never imply that ISIS isn’t a threat. Even if it’s true, don’t jinx it, alright? You sound less like the black president and more like the black guy in a horror movie. “Ay, don’t worry about ISIS. You white kids stay here. I’m gonna go check on that rockets at the basement.”