Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a city and democrat’s logo at left top corner]
The first democratic presidential debate was held Tuesday evening at Las Vegas. Vegas was the perfect city since the debate featured old white people who keep playing no matter how bad they’re losing. Mike Huckabee was criticized during the debate when he tweeted that he trusts Bernie Sanders with his tax dollars like I trust a North Korean chef with my Labrador. And I just wanna say, I trust Mike Huckabee with a joke like I trust [Picture changes to Jared] Jared with my laptop.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A new poll shows that Donald Trump’s lead over Ben Carson has shrunk to only 5%. Voters like Carson because of his inspiring story and his gentle way of speaking. Oh, I get it. They think he’s radio. [Picture changes to a cover poster of the movie ‘Radio’] That’s why they like him.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: I think so.
Michael Che: So, Donald Trump and Ben Carson are the top two republican candidates despite having zero experience in government at all.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And look, we get that Trump and Carson are outsiders and that sounds exciting. But when do you ever really want an outsider? Like, if you need your laptop fixed, you’re not gonna be like, let’s get someone outside the world of computers. Someone who can crack it open and just start ripping out wires.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an audition line.]
Michael Che: The presidency should not be an open call. You know? Like, we can’t find our country’s leader the same way [Picture changes to Nick Cannon in America’s got Talent] Nick Canon finds ventriloquist. And that’s not even fair to Nick Cannon because at least that ventriloquist has experience as a ventriloquist.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Seal of the President of the United States at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Also, no more failing up to president. Look at [Picture changes to Carly Fiorina] Carly Fiorina. She got fired from running a company, so she thought, “I know. I’ll be a senator.” Then she lost her senate and she was like, “I hear you loud and clear. President!”[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Michael Che: So, please America. Hold your presidential higher standard than just being over 35 and a citizen.
Colin Jost: Yeah, I am a citizen, I’m almost 35, I should not be president.
Michael Che: True.
Colin Jost: My email address still has a 69 in it. And that’s my work email.
Michael Che: Yeah, you should really do something about that.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Oscar Pistorius at right top corner.]
Olympics sprinter Oscar Pistorius known as the blade runner will serve the rest of his five year man slaughter sentence under house arrest. While under house arrest, they will put an electronic monitor on his ankle and then put his ankles on a really high shelf.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of prisoners and a wildfire at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Officials in California are considering a plan to use inmates with violent backgrounds to fight wildfires in the state. California, come for the drought, stay for the burning forest full of murderers.
Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on earth. Well, besides Dodger’s stadium.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of playboy rabbit at right top corner.]
Michael Che: I was taping that. Playboy magazine announced that starting next month, it will no longer feature pictures of naked women. While [Picture changes to Cat Fancy magazine] Cat Fancy is still straight up pussy.