Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]
In an attempt to re-vitalize his campaign, Jeb Bush launched a new slogan, ‘Jeb can fix it’. Which is true if the problem being fixed is a treat to another Bush presidency. Jeb has released a new book of emails that he sent to voters while he was a governor of Florida that he is calling ‘Reply All’ and voters are calling ‘Unsubscribe’.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and democrat logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: President Obama criticized republican presidential candidates for complaining about the recent debates saying that if they can’t handle CNBC moderators, they won’t be able to handle Putin and the Chinese. And if you can’t handle Putin and the Chinese, you’re only gonna get two terms as president.
While Ben Carson had a real interest in week. First, he said that the Egyptian pyramids were actually built by the biblical Joseph to store grain. Sure, makes sense. Then he had a defense stories about his violent past after CNN couldn’t find anyone to verify them, which is always great when you’re running for president and you have to say, “No, guys. I swear. I really did stab my friend.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Yes. Ben Carson, what is going on with you? You are the first black man in American history to turn down an alibi. [Picture changes to OJ Simpson] That would be like if OJ said, “Hey, give me that gun back again, man! I think I can make it fit. Let me try my stabbing hand.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Ben Carson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And then last night, Dr. Carson lashed out of the media for digging into his past saying, “What’s next? They’re gonna find my kindergarten teacher who said I peed in my pants?” But at this point, Dr. Carson, I think we’re more worried it will turn out you didn’t graduate kindergarten, or you claim to pee your friend’s pants. And then they find your friend and he’s like, “I never had pants.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ben Carson and Barack Obama at right top corner.]
Michael Che: And now, Ben Carson is complaining that no one ever vetted President Obama like this. Are you serious, dude? Even after Obama was elected president twice, they still made him show ID just to get into the White House.[Picture changes to a birth certificate] [whispering] And I’m talking about the guy who is hosting this show. [Picture changes to ‘Trump Michael Che0Colin Jost6 sign.]