Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Last week, Donald Trump hosted our show and he seemed fine when he was here. But since then I think he might have snapped. Because on Thursday this happened.[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]
Donald Trump: Bing-bing-bong and Dat![pulling his belt up and down] It moves this way. It moves that way.
Behold![Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: For 95 minutes. 95 minutes is a long time to talk. That’s 10 minutes longer than Men in Black 2. Donald Trump also said, “If I become president, we’re all gonna be saying Merry Christmas again.” Oh, I don’t know about that but we’ll definitely be saying “Jesus Christ!” a lot.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This week Jeb Bush said that he would go back in time and kill Adolf Hitler as a baby, a move that would have left Germany in the weak bumbling hands of Adolf’s brother, Jeb Hitler.[The picture changes to Ben Carson]
In a separate interview, Ben Carson said he would not abort baby Hitler if he had the chance. So basically now, this election is down to which candidate would make the best time travelling baby murderer?
Colin Jost: Bernie Sanders has received the endorsement of the American Postal Worker’s Union and nothing has ever made more sense than that. I mean Bernie Sanders looks like if the post office became a person. I don’t know. Either they’re endorsing him or they just issued a new stamp honoring Martin Van Buren. [Picture changes to Martin Van Buren and Bernie Sanders both having messy hair.] [Michael Che laughing] [Picture changes to Marco Rubio]
At the republican debate, senator Marco Rubio called for a return to vocational training saying that we need “Less philosophers and more welders.” But I don’t know. I think maybe we need less presidential candidates and more working senators.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks logo at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Christian groups are complaining that Starbucks is waging a war on Christmas by removing traditional holiday images from cups, which sounds crazy but I checked myself and apparently Starbucks can’t even spell Jesus. [Picture changes to a Starbucks cup with Jesus spelled as ‘Jeezers’.]