Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.
Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Jeb Bush at left top corner.]
Jeb Bush said that he will be willing to send ground troops in the Syria and Iraq to stop ISIS. Coz you never wanna be the one guy at thanksgiving who hasn’t sent troops [Picture changes to George H. W. Bush and George W. Bush] to the middle east.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
Michael Che: This week Donald Trump said that if elected he would certainly implement a database system to track Muslims in the United States which is absurd because there is simply no way that we as Americans don’t already have that.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: This week a debate is raised about whether to let Syrian refugees enter the United States.
Michael Che: And Colin and I have been going back and forth on this and immigration in general.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of US map at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: See, America is a nation of immigrants. But once we get here, we get really suspicious of any new immigrants. It’s kind of like America is this giant awesome roller coaster and you wait in line for every ride. Then we finally get to the front, we ride it and it’s awesome. Then it finishes and we’re like, “Okay, shut it down.” “Wait, there’s all these other people waiting in line.” “No, no. I just wanted it for me and my ethnicity. Then it’s closed forever. You guys have to stay on the other side of the fence and watch us go ‘Wee’.”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s the same picture of US map at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Well, first of all, my ancestors weren’t exactly immigrants. We were more like invited guests or cargo. Second, you know this whole country was stolen by immigrants by the first place, right? So, I can get why Americans would get skeptical of other immigrants. If I stole your car and get away with it, the first thing I’m gonna do is buy a better security system for my new car coz there’s thieves out there.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: And now, some people are saying there should be religious tests so we only let in the Syrians who are Christian. But you know how easy it is to lie about being Christian? I do it every time I go home for Christmas mass. I just start off real strong with “Our Father” and I kind of lip sync for a minute, and I finish real strong with “Amen”. I mean, that’s why every Catholic sings in a whisper coz we don’t know any of the damn words.[Cut to Michael Che]
Michael Che: Personally, I don’t trust any religion that requires a hat. I don’t mind small hats. It just seems like the bigger the hat, the weirder the rules. I never been listening to a dude in a big ass hat and thought, “Man, this guy seems reasonable.” That’s why I stopped listening to Pharrell. [Picture changes to Pharrell Williams wearing a hat.] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of ISIS Pharmaceuticals logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: After recent events, a biotech company in California is considering changing it’s name from ISIS Pharmaceuticals. As well as it’s most popular drug, [Picture changes to a Boko Harambien container.] Boko Harambien.