Michael Che[Starts with Weekend Update intro]
Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set.]
Michael Che: What’s up everybody?
Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost.
Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. And here are tonight’s top stories.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]
At a rally in South Carolina, Donald Trump called for a total and complete ban on Muslims entering the US. [Picture changes to Ben Carson] Ben Carson agreed that Muslims are dangerous agents of evil who speak in unintelligible language and are yellow with blue pants and goggles, and he’s definitely thinking of minions. [Picture changes to The Minions.] You know, this is gonna sound crazy, but I don’t believe Donald Trump is a racist. I think he’s just pandering to the most prejudiced segment of the country. He’s hassling them. His best friends are Mike Tyson, Don King and Omarosa. I know black people that wouldn’t hangout with those black people. Donald Trump is as much of a racist as he is a devout Christian gun fanatic. None of what he saying is true. You don’t just develop racism overnight on a campaign trip. Racism is embedded deep down in a person’s soul. I’ve looked into that man’s eyes. Donald Trump doesn’t have a soul. There’s nothing in there but dollar signs floating in cologne.
At this point, Trump is the political equivalent of phone sex operator. He’s just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies republicans want to hear. And his supporters are hanging up saying, “I think Donald Trump really likes me.”[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: And look, I agree I don’t think Donald Trump is a racist. That’s just what he is selling. The same way [Picture changes to Peyton Manning on Papa Johns commercial] Peyton Manning sells Papa Johns. He doesn’t actually go home and eat Papa Johns. I mean, that guys has enough internal injuries as it is. But isn’t it almost worse if Donald Trump doesn’t believe what he’s saying? Because it’s one thing to sell Papa Johns, it’s another thing to sell it by saying, “We should round up all the Taco Bells and send them back to Mexico.”
According to a new report, Jeb Bush’s campaign and the super packs supporting him have spent more than $30 million on ads for him. And from the looks of those ads, it seems like things aren’t going great for Jeb.[Cut to made up Jeb Bush Commercial] [Sentimental music playing while showing pictures of Jeb Bush looking sad. At the bottom, it is written “Rescue Jeb Today 1-800-5550-199.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kendrick Lamar at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Send some money today. The Grammy nominations were announced with Kendrick Lamar getting 11 nominations. [cheers and applause] I know. It’s a first good news in a while about a black guy getting something 11 times.[Cut to Colin Jost]
Colin Jost: Cool.