Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of a Duke University at right top corner.]
Michael Che: After receiving complaints from Christian Leaders, Duke University has canceled plans for Muslim students to use the school’s iconic Chapel tower for sounding the traditional Islamic call to prayer. But apparently the Christian leaders are totally cool that Duke’s mascot is the Devi.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There is a picture of Idina Menzel at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It was announced that Idina Menzel will sing the national anthem at this year’s Super Bowl. Then she’ll sing ‘Let it go’ as the tribute to the NFL’s domestic violence policy.
[Picture changes to a picture of marijuana]
A new survey shows that the state with the most marijuana use is Rhode Island, which explains Rhode Island’s official state moto, “but if it’s an island, where does the road go?”
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a cop car at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Police arrested a man who set his bicycle down at an intersection, dropped his pants and started dancing. Which as far as I know might be what crossfit is.
[Picture changes to Chinese flag and a knife.]
A woman in China was arrested after she cut off her husband’s penis. Then later went to the hospital where it had been reattached and cut it off a second time. You see, that kind of work ethic is exactly why China is beating the US. But seriously, I’ve been in a lot of bad breakups before. And I bet what actually hurt that guy, like, more than anything was getting his penis cut off twice.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of HSN logo at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: The creator of the Home Shopping Network died this week at the age of 79. [Picture changes to the company offer.] Order just 4 easy installments of $19.99.
[Picture changes to a marijuana spray]
A new marijuana spray called Foria will go on sale next week and promises to help women have better sex. This according to Foria CEO, [Picture changes to Bill Cosby wearing a Mexican hat.] Will Wosby.
[Cut to Michael Che. There is a picture of 3 rhinos at right top corner.]
Michael Che: 3 rhinos at a zoo in Israel escaped after a guard fell asleep. [Picture changes to a cover photo of the movie Zookeeper Michael Che: Rhino Escape.] starring Kevin James.
For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.
Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.
