Michael Che[Starts with Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Jordan.]
Michael Che: Still scares the hell out of me. This year, Michael Jordan was added to Forbes magazine’s list of billionaires. Forbes also added Scotty Pittman to their list of people who sell [Picture changes to Scott Pittman showing the Forbes magazine] Forbes Magazine.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Justin Bieber on left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Justin Bieber this week turned 21 years old but his mustache thinks he turned 13.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Potential republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice because many people go to prison straight and when they come out, they’re gay. Kind of like how in that last sentence, Dr. Carson went in as a neurosurgeon and came out as a complete idiot.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Dr. Ben Carson, a neurosurgeon said this week that homosexuality is a choice. Carson made the comments to himself over and over in the men’s locker room.[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Dr. Ben Carson at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Dr. Ben Carson, a candidate for president said that homosexuality is a choice. Unfortunately for him, so are elections.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of caduceus at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: Sorry. I guess we were piling on a little bit there.
Michael Che: A little bit.
Colin Jost: This just ends. Dr. Ben Carson, [Picture changes to Dr. Ben Carson] a candidate for president is no longer candidate for president.[cheers and applause] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of marijuana and cop car at right top corner.]
Michael Che: Doctor– No, I’m just kidding. [audience laughing] Police in Nebraska arrested a man for marijuana possession after discovering the drug in his car inside a container that was marked, “Not weed”. It was marked “Not weed”. The police pulled him in over after he sped by their car which was also marked “Not police”. [Picture changes to a car that looks exactly like a cop car but it has ‘Not Police’ written on it.] [Picture changes to a bottle.]
Scientists have discovered a 170 years old beer in a shipwreck off the coast of Finland, opened two of the bottles and drank them. At which point they made another discovery, they’re both alcoholics.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Paxil medicine at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: According to a new study, the anti-depressant Paxil may also be capable of treating heart disease. Which explains Paxil’s new slogan, “Paxil, maybe this is what it does?”[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a little boy at right top corner.]
Michael Che: According to a new study, about fifteen% of two year olds in Boston drink as much as four ounces of coffee a day. But Boston kids need that coffee to help them get through their hangovers.[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: You know, I like that joke. I feel like you get all the fun jokes.
Michael Che: Oh, stop it.
Colin Jost: No, I’m serious. Sometimes I wish I could do your jokes instead.
Michael Che: Alright. You can take my next one if you want to.
Colin Jost: You sure? You don’t mind?
Michael Che: I don’t care.
Colin Jost: Okay.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a scale at left top corner.]
A new report reveals that the average length of a man’s flaccid penis is 36 inches.
Michael Che: Wait a minute.
Colin Jost: 3.6. I never saw this before. 3.6, that’s more reasonable. [audience laughing] A guy can dream.[Michael Che laughing hard]
Michael Che: See? My jokes are harder to read. [laughing]
Colin Jost: And, let me just say, as a man with extremely small penis– okay.
Michael Che: No, no. Keep going, keep going.
Colin Jost: I feel very bad for myself and my tinsy winsy peensy.
Michael Che: That was great job, man.
Colin Jost: Yeah, thanks man. I don’t even understand. How is that even a joke?
Michael Che: Well, its a joke when I read it because I don’t have a tiny penis.[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a rat at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: It’s 36 inches.
Michael Che: It was. [Michael Che laughing hard.]
Colin Jost: A new study finds that New York city rats contain flees that are capable of transmitting bubonic plague. It’s a rare black eye for the otherwise sterling reputation of the flees of New York city rats.