Colin Jost
Michael Che
[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of George Zimmerman at right top corner.]
Michael Che: George Zimmerman who shot Trayvon Martin spoke out for the first time saying that he blames President Obama for insighting racial tensions that erupted after the shooting. At least he thinks it was Obama. It was pretty dark at the time.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Instagram model at left top corner.]
Colin Jost: According to a recent memo, American Apparel wants to stop using what they call, “Instagram Hoes” for their ads and instead hire professional models. But good news, they’re still make them up to look like [picture changes to a picture of American Apparel ad where model looks scared] they’ve been kidnapped by a human trafficker. Coz when I see ads for American Apparel, I don’t wanna buy clothes. I wanna see those women rescued by Liam Neeson.
[Picture changes to a casket]
Officials in England reburied remains the King Richard III, after his bones were discovered underneath a parking lot three years ago. So, this time everyone remember he’s buried in [picture changes to a parking spot C8] C8.
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Starbucks takeaway cup at right top corner.]
Michael Che: After only 6 days, Starbucks canceled the controversial campaign in which Baristas would write the slogan ‘Race Together’ on cups to spark conversations about race relations. I don’t know how did they think that was gonna work. I mean, were we supposed to talk about race like we talk about sports? Hey, Colin, how about those blacks, huh? Can’t catch a break, am I right?
[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che]
Colin Jost: Yeah, I mean, they’ve had a rough season. You know, I think the whites are gonna win it all again this year.
Michael Che: Ah! You’re a front runner. But you know who you really got to watch out for?
Colin Jost: The Mexicans, yeah!
Michael Che: I wasn’t gonna say that.
Colin Jost: Well–
Michael Che: [laughs] I was gonna say that.
Colin Jost: Oh!
[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of peanut butter at right top corner.]
Michael Che: A candy store in Los Angeles has created a 440 pound peanut butter cup. It’s called [Picture changes to a rapper CeeLo] CeeLo.
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a man napping on a couch.]
Colin Jost: A new study shows that a 45 minute nap in the middle of the day can enhance a person’s memories. Memories like, “Oh, right! I’m an alcoholic.”
[Picture changes to ‘The Jinx’]
The finale of the HBO series ‘The Jinx’ aired last week about an alleged serial killer Robert Durst. And the series was great. But I was a little worried that the opening credits of the show might kind of glorify the idea about being a serial killer. I don’t know. Let’s take a quick look.
[Cut to the intro of the show where it’s showing assaults and dumping of dead bodies.]
[Cut to Colin Jost]
So, they showed a photo of the real woman who disappeared, a woman he probably murdered, and then the singer goes, “Whooo!” Just like, “Yay, murder!” I mean you might as well just use this music instead.
[Cut to the same intro but the background music is “This is how we do it.”]
[Cut to Colin Jost]
Or, you know, if you really want to, just go for with this one.
[Cut to the same intro but the background music is “Oops I did it again.”]
[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a gun and a bottle of juice at left top corner.]
I love that song. Just love that song. Louisiana police arrested a man for shooting his 18 year old son during an argument over orange juice. It’s considered the second worst crime that OJ is responsible for.
